New Years.

This year has been.. an adventure. I've been so down I was depressed, I've been angry to the point of screaming, I've been so happy I was basically floating, I've been confused, and in love, and surprised, and anxious, and ... indescribable. I have had the best and the worst days you can imagine, and I've had so many wonderful people there with me through it all. 2009, You have brought me pain that has kicked me down farther than I thought possible, and yet, I still managed to get back up. You have brought me new friends, and new perspectives. I have paradigms about myself that a year ago i thought I'd never believe. I like myself, and I'm comfortable in my skin. I've found out those who really wasn't my friends, and those who were all along... I've had crushes that gave me butterfly's and those that made me feel like I had rocks in my stomach. I've proved people wrong. I've blossomed. I've changed. I've made a difference. This next year is a big one. By the end of the school year, I'll be dating, I'll have taken one of the many tests that prove my future, and I'll be different than I am now. But you know... that's o.k. Now its time for reminiscing.
JANUARY- The beginning of the month was really tough, my mom was in the hospital, and I felt like it was my fault. I put a lot of pressure on my friends because of it, and felt even worse.Kenzee gave me a great note that helped me a bunch and I thank her immensely Justin helped a ton, and I'm very thankful for him being there. Libby was a great person to " take off my shoes with".David's car rides were a big help, making me realize that you cant run away from life, but that it's o.k. as long as you have great people helping you get through it. Tests were easy, and I did great, and One Acts were absolutely awesome, as I was Jack in the newsies and Pepper in Annie. Either the end of this month or the beginning of February, Sydney Trotter and I participated in the Regional thespian conference and got an excellent, and also in Annie where we won TOP SUPERIOR and preformed in the Showcase:)
FEBRUARY- The beginning of the month was pretty slow,But for valentines day I got a bouquet of pink roses with a yellow rose in the middle... It was given to me in McShea's class.. .talk about me being bright red!! I continued going to the Smiths for dinner. I met Nolan there, and had a great time trying to get him to date... I set him up with Justins sister Chauntelle:)
MARCH- School was going great, I went to the State thespian competition, and we competed Annie, and Charlie and I went through amazing classes that brought us plenty of laughs " CARROT!!" ( vegetable turrets) We won TOP SUPERIOR AGAIN!!! for Annie. Later that month one of my friends Ashley Gesler was talking with me in P.E. as usual, when we found out that I had made Ozma as a Rock person.. I wasnt too happy... but I went with it. During this month I went running with the XC kids, my favorite run was when we went to the mud puddle and had a huge mud fight, then went to Trotter's house to get washed off and "Study" or dance around her room and talk:)I met Britnee Bartlett in a bathroom at a dance:)
APRIL- Ozma practice went till the end of the month, and I couldnt figure out how to do track with it, so i didn't. We had annual formal dance in our stake, and it was under the sea:) We had so much fun! I was in a white dress with red accents. We got ready at Kiffyns house. It was me, Austrey, Katie Abbott, Ashley Rumsey, and Annmarie. Sister Sorensen, and Sister Wyatt did our hair, and we did eachothers makeup. That night I met a great guy named Josh Nelson, whom comes to play later in this story:) Then there was Tule Springs Stake Youth Conference which was an amazing experience. I stuck to Kelsey Howard like glue merels to be exact! Thats when I got to know Nathan Astle better as well. It was great to put on a fair for the mentally challenged children in our area, they made me smile.
MAY- My birthday was... a flop.but thank you for the flowers Sydney, and for the cupcake charlie:) We preformed Ozma the first and second of may, and the 30th of april . School was wrapping up and so was my fling with Justin. I made my own yearbook, and had a great time preparing for tests... sarcasm Trotter and I tye dyed shirts:)
JUNE- SCHOOL ENDED!! I lazed around the house, went to various parties, and hung out with people like Amelia Knuth and Jessica Van Alfen. Josh held my hand, and I stole his hat:) still have it... Drake Laney came down for a few weeks.. katie Alayna, and Talia's cousin. I had a great time just hanging out.
JULY- FOURTH YEAR HIKE, GIRLS CAMP, EFY. Justin's birthday was at the beginning of the month, and I got shoved in the pool and was lucky enough not to get cake all over myself. Fourth of july... boring. Fourth year hike... the worst hike of my life. the way up I was fine... sorta:) I made it the 9 miles up, and started back. we took a million pictures and on the way down my arches fell, and my feet hurt so bad I was in tears... but it was beautiful and Kiffyn really helped me:) Girls camp was as usual one of the best weeks of my life. I will never forget lifeline, or the heart like his activity. The stars were beautiful, and i loved the food and could rant for hours about it. EFY I felt a little out of place, but met some amazing people, and found some old friends. Cassie Hafen saved me ! thanks for that very strange dance Mike:))
AUGUST - The end of EFY, thanks Jessie for the ride home:D Getting ready for school was about it... Hung out with My group a bunch...
SEPTEMBER- Start of school.. realizing how CRAZY this year was going to be. Met my new theater teacher:(, and met Reed Balli, and found out that Jesse Bergner lives behind me:) Got a job tutoring Scotti, and his mother amazes me every time i see her. Loved my classes for the most part.. Ap world and Trig are still killin me. Started out with the yearbook crew.. .they misheard my name and to this day call me Miley..but now they know. Jessica has been great:) Oh and i started a great club called varsity quiz:) Tried out for Family, and got the lead named Helen. Got really close to the cast. Chelsea, and Sheena the most i think:)
OCTOBER- Jacqies birthday, and then Joe's, then Dad's. We preformed Family ( glad that's over with!!!)we went to Knottsberry farm as a family at the end of the month, and i really started having fun with them:)
NOVEMBER- barely any school all month:) Met JAcqies bf Dana this month:) nice guy! great thanksgiving.. scraping by in schooll :/
DECEMBER- The last month. Christmas was fun. I have everything i could possibly want. Had a great talk with Derek, but i do that alot. started being scared of next year. Had a great day with Reed, and Kathy, and also one with Ash, and then the group. Its been fun

as you can imagine this year has been crazy. there's been heartache, and happiness and it almost feels like the end of something.. but its also the beginning. Happy new year.

supergirl

Sometimes I have dreams
I picture myself flying
Above the clouds
High in the sky
Conquering the world
With my magic piano
Never being scared
But then I realise


I'm supergirl
And I'm here
To save the world
And I wanna know
Who's gonna save me?
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Why I feel so alone

Seems like a dream
But there's one thing missing
Nobody's here with me

To share in all that
I've been given
I need someone
That's strong enough for me



Hey ooh

I need someone
I won't stop till
I find the one
Who will start
Belonging in my life
I need someone
I won't stop till
I find the one
Who will start
Belonging in my life



I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Who's gonna save me
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Why I feel so alone

I'm supergirl
I wanna know
Who's gonna save me
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world

Randomlistsarewhatidobest

1. First off, thinking how stupid i am for saying what i mean, and jeopardizing a perfectly good friendship...2. Wondering how they're going to take it... 3. Wishing i wasnt so stupid! 4. wanting to go jump on the trampoline... 5... I couldnt land tricks!!!! OH MY GOSH. That's never EVER happened to me .. ever! :/ what's wrong !!! i can ALWAYS land tricks. Even when i'm traumatized... 6. My foot hurts... really bad. 7. ooowwwwwwwwww 8. I've been feeling pretty useless lately...9. as Vicky Zerkle so beautifully put it I HATE BOYS! 10. hahahah yesterday was great:)11. I got a pedicure for the first time.12. I actually really liked it 13.yeahhh. This list is over...for now. Dun Dun Dun!

Its me again! Coming to you at 6:16 weather partly cloudy with a chance of.....

A (freezing) great day!!! Tonight when my mom gets home from work we're off to knottsberry farm! ( i've never been there before... or disneyland.. long story:)) its freezing outside!!! the high is about 50ish.. haha i'm a wimp! i remember in iowa, when it was 60 degrees, me and my little brother were still asking to play in the water outside... but then, that was in august... or july... i cant remember:)back on track, i hope its not this cold in california!! my goodness!.. its going to be a looonnng car ride:P bleh. But we get to go to the ocean! and i'm SO exited!!! I shouldve probably packed yesterday.... but oh well, i guess i'm not going to intramurals:P haha well rant over, I have to go see why glee wasnt on last night!

I'm in a writing mood.. bear with me:)

Change.




So much of it,
all around me!
I'm changing, and i can feel it...
My friends are changing, and I can see it, and sense it... and it makes me sad
which makes me wonder.... Is anyone feeling the same about me? Is anyone sad that I'm changing? Growing up is what they seem to always call it... but i feel like I'm growing in a different way. I'm accepting my life, and myself... and my situation. The season changes, with the only visible difference being the humans around me at this point... here in vegas the leaves will only change color or fall off a few of the trees... but fall seems to be here, and I dont know where the time has gone... I'm caring about things, people, and animals that i thought I'd never care for the opinions of. AND I'm seeing the other side of people Some good, some bad.It seems to be the center of this time in my life. I'm realizing that the quantity of friends i have is not as important as the closness i make them... I want some best friends, and i'm trying to find my niche. So much going on! I'm working hard! but I'm getting a vacation this weekend!!!!! Knottsberry farm:) never been i'm exited! and i'll get to go to the ocean!!! oh my ! i'm so exited:) well this changing thing isnt so bad. I hope people notice ... but then i'd rather they didnt... who knows!

Shoes. Shoes. Oh my gosh!!!

heelllooooooo... yeah consistency is a problem! MAJOR STUFF!!! Homecoming:) Bergner lives behind me...hahaha nice.:) Having trouble with some annoying boys.. why is it that all the creepers like me...? GLAD i dont have to deal with MALDOCREEPER anymore...PLAY OVER!!! i got asked to homecoming 2x.. both .. umm... bleh.to put it kindly:( nice guys .. sorta. well not really... I got a corsage, cause Colin Breslins gf ... well isnt.. his gf.. anymore XP Jessica's date paid for my dinner:) took many pictures:) had some great times in the past few weeks! I can look like a hot-dog!!! ( Mrs.Doubtfire:))) haha I've been working on a project for heath ( my vision board) I LIKE this project!!! haha but there have been some pretty.. terrible times too. lets not dwell on those ( cough * FRIDAY* cough) ( a.k.a 2nd worst day of my LIFE:)) haha its over now whatever. anddddddddd.. yeah i'mma bout to go clean my room , and do some homework.. soccer intramurals are starting soon... well thats all you really need to know... I have a TON to say.. no time to type, sorry for the choppy-ness.. trust me its a gift:)

HELLO WORLD! I'M BACK! ( finally..)

soooooo... I've been busy. Highlights!
Got the lead in the play
The director is CRAZY!!! He wants me memorized by NEXT WEEK!(this week!!) ... cray cray.
I got a job tutoring an autistic boy
I'm in varsity quiz ( dont ask how that happened.. i dont even know.)
NHS too
I babysat twice last week
TONS OF HOMEWORK
a bunch of other random stuff.
HoooooKaaaayyyy
So i'm not even close to memorizing:/ yeah. i've been really tired lately.. its like 4 am ish..... and i should be doing my hair but i dont wanna:P so i'm going to. well... anyways. if you ever want to know where i am here's a list... i should have my cell, butcha never know
Monday- Varsity quiz..., homework, babysitting play practice...
Teusday-Play practice homework, volleyball
Wednesday Varsity Quiz Play practice homework Activity
Thursday - Thespian meeting/NHS PLay practice, homework, babysitting
Friday -Play practice homework... then sometimes a party, or a get together
Saturday - work then lunch, sometimes dances...
Sunday- church , choir.. then sometimes a fireside

My mom is killing me.

Shes calling the bishop over to our house. She's going to yell at him for telling her to kick Makenna out.... the thing that made my life so much better.She doesnt care about me, all she cares about is them.Joe and Makenna. Its like i'm not even here. Its like i dont matter. She's mad at the church because she feels like they're guilt tripping her... i hate this! I want to say i'm not crying because i feel like my world is falling apart but that isnt gonna happen... just when i thought things were going in the right direction, my mom stops going to church... then breaking standards and now, now I dont fit in AT ALL in my house... Now its going to be SO FREAKING HARD to go to church, because i have no support. from anyone! I wonder why Heavenly father ever EVER thought i could handle this! I feel so... Alone. ... but i know he knows what i'm going through... i know he's there, but i just cant understand! I cant understand why i have to deal with this NOW. I really am the puzzle piece that doesnt fit. And now, i dont fit anywhere at all... Just hope it goes away.

Boys are silly. They really dont matter until you're around 20ish. Why deal with the drama?? because we are silly girls. <3 struck and crazy... aaaaaa

Cause when your Fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, your gonna believe it ( oh the naievity:) we all posses this sense of wanting to be loved, and wanting to belong or fit in. What part of us tells us this? our minds? no. its hormones. And at this age, we fall into this never ending cycle, of liking boys and then hating them. We like a boy, he breaks our heart ( or we break his, tis how the story goes)we sulk a while and hate the male species, then we get over it, and Like a new boy ( or in some sad cases, the same boy.... over and over again.. ) and this repeats itself until we find "the one"... why doesnt heavenly father just save our hearts and minds and have us feel strongly for one person... but only "the one" why cant we save all of the hurt feelings? We need to learn.. yes. we need to learn... but oh how easy it is to fall into this cycle... and then someone breaks it up into little tiny pieces by interfering.... sigh:( gah. I've decided i'm going to dance with Heavenly father... he'll let the perfect man cut in.. eventually:) how i love being fifteen... i dont want to be 16.. because right now... i'm in between lets send boys to china and a boy that likes Ashley Rumsey.. because who doesnt?( like ashley that is.. there are almost 20.. 18 last time we counted)SHARE THE LOVE ASHLEY!!! PICK ONE:(

CHOOSE ONE ALREADY!

Choose choose choose
they chant at me
the choice is all yours,
but its not you see
for every new option
up pops another three

I cannot choose between
these amazing options
But only one can be my choice
what a terrible game percieved by MY actions
i feel i no longer have a voice.

SO MANY THINGS TO CHOOSE FROM! WHY AM I SO INDECISIVEE!!!!

6:22 am.

oh 6:22 am, why do you have to be so...
uneventful??
So i have kenzies party tonight... i think i'm going to go to work with my mammacita today so i can make her a card with the fantastic cutouts:)I had a mock school prep today. woke up at five, ate breakfast, did my routine.. then sewed up my converse. lame. they like fell apart:P ........ I found some amazing quotes and wanted to share, so here you go:)

What you see depends on what you're looking for.-Anonymous


Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. - John Maxwell


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Walt Emerson


Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds. - Gordon B. Hinckley


Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm ... As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping
yourself, the other for helping others.- Audrey Hepburn.


Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice. – Bethany Hamilton


Don't frown, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. - SinVyeSt Tan


Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work. - William Arthur Ward


..The way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King


We must become the change we want to see. – Mahatma Ghandi


Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. - Frank Tyger


The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us. – Voltaire


To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are - Tim Menchen


When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly. - Barbara J. Winter


The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it. - General H. Norman Schwarzkopf


Begin with the end in mind. - Stephen Covey


If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster. - Stephen Covey


integrity is shown when no one is looking.-anonymous


We cannot be saved until we have risen above all our enemies, not the least of which is ignorance. - anonymous


And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.-Nelson Mandella


To think clearly without hurry or confusion; To love everybody sincerely; To act in everything with the highest motives; To trust God unhesitatingly. - Helen Keller


It is not what you do that matters it is what you don't do that really matters at the end of the day.-Anonymous


What is, is. What will be, is what you make it.-Anonymous


If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.- Anonymous


Begin to weave and God will give you the thread.-Anonymous


It's better to reach for the stars and land on the roof, than to reach for the roof and land in the garbage.-Anonymous


She who does not yet know how to walk cannot climb a ladder.-Anonymous


Service is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time. - Marion Wright Edelman


Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have. – Doris Mortman


I must let go of my need for the world to love me.-Anonymous
Arent they fantastic?! I found them on Great-quotes.com yesterday when i was bored:D
well i'm off to figure out something to do with my life toodleoo.

haha

so i ended up not going to the dance:D i babysat haleigh and cody:D so cute! Ash and austin got home and i showed her my doodles:D lol it was cute. monday we went to the park and played in the water , yesterday i made her lunch and we had a nutella party ( where we watched the hannah montana movie:D:Dand.. ATE NUTELLA!) and tonight is the girls camp party!! whoot! lol I completely and totally deep cleaned my room whoot! all i have to do is vacuum now... sunday was the seminary fireside... my mom came!!!! best night ever! Brother Noorda is the nicest!... i hope our teachers are fun.. they sounded kinda... not boring exactly, just not .. fun..? anywhoozers... i made the stuff for my binders and it turned out HECKA cute! like , i did NOT know i could scrapbook like that!!! haha andd... now i might go swimming... or vacuum. or .... idk i'm up for anything:D

ohhhkay..

SSoooo if you were wondering.. which you probably werent... :) i went to a great play last night. Wait until dark. SO good! Mr. K was one of the leading characters:) haha its weird to see him in character:) I'm so exited for theater:D:D:D:D:D I totally have a chance at really good parts this year:)So exited for yearbook too!!!... But in all truth i'm just writing cause i'm bored:)haha I'm so exited for school.. but as usual i've changed a ton over the summer... ONly a week left.. i'm going to the dance tonight... last year i met the person that changed my freshman year at the july dance... i didnt even realize that he was important till january though.. hmmmm maybe this year will follow the same pattern.. in that case, maybe i shouldnt go tonight:( hahahaha so i realized that me and miss Talia abbott are.. very the same. We both express things through writing better than speaking... but idk. I'm getting quiet... haha smarter i'm guessing, now that i'm thinking more before i speak. Its mostly where i'm comfortable. I like silence when i'm comfortable with it:)when its awkward i used to find it was my job to fill it... not so much anymore. lol well i'mma go doodle on the Rumseys wall:) ttyl!!

Guilty as decided.

I'm reading this book right? 7 habits of highly effective teens. It sounds retarded but its hecka good:) its kinda changing my life. I'm having paradigm shifts, i'm taking control of my life. its good... but i feel guilty. I'm not doing xc anymore, but that means i can do things... like church,schoolwork,chores and other things i realized were on my priority list. Boys didnt make it on my list:P sucks for them! haha . " Any boy who doesnt like you must be effing gay rylea. They dont know what they're missing" hahah does anyone know what theyre missing if theyre missing it?? haha i have some hecka nice friends dont i? that happened to be a guy... i'm now ignoring him a little to make sure he doesnt like.. like me:P only 261 days till my bday. whoa. this has gone by waaayy to fast:PPP lame. i almost wish i'd stay 15. I dont want to deal with heartbreak anymoree!!!! sigh. oh well:D haha i'm bored if you cant tell:Dmy stuff doesnt happen till later tonight:D haha i'mma go do somethingwith my life... like.. doodle:D

NEW RANDOM POST!!!

ohkkaay. so i'm bored again, so here is like one of those random post/thought chains:D1. i'm totally listening to the song of my life! Forever and always. not my favorite but still relatable. hahahah 2. found a new song! sooo cute! its calledthe girl by city and colour. 3. wow i'm a retard:D 3. i totally wrote poetry today... haha what a cool thing to do right?? 4 gosh this is 5. i always mess up on my numbers on these things! 6. i still cant get what micheal said to me. gosh. i am not like having a pity party but man that stung! 7. haha reading this great book. the 7 habits of highly effective teens. i need a new paradigm. 8. goodness.if there is one person in this world that i want to hate me... not micheal. 9 hahaha Justin if you read this could you tell me that you hate me? hahahahhaha 10. it makes sense to me ok?.. and jacqie. 11. another(song) story of my life!!!! taylor swift just knows about my life:D hahaha jkjk 12. Juicy gave me music today!!! haha but i gave him some too. 13. my goodness i'm proud of myself for xc. i know it doesnt seem like it but i'm working my BUTT off!!!1 i havent run in two weeks, and on my second day of training i beat the qualifying time by like 4 minutes:D24:15 14. ok, so i'm not super-human. i'm not even like talented at this sport. and right now i'm just happy i can move. ( i couldnt earlier. it took a shower, and a lootttt of stretching. ) 15. oh and by the way , my right foot hurts like a mofo. its like in serious pain. just the top left, right under my big toe:( coach said its just the way i walk. 16. I'm really surprised i can run on it at all. hahaha if it doesnt look like i'm in pain. wow. i must be quite the actress. hahaha .17. my life just got like hecka crazy!!! wowowewo! i have like 8 things going on tonight, then addie has a party friday, ash has stuff all next week, and a few going back to school parties... :/ sigh. 18 one of the editors ( jessica) asked me for a favor, but didnt tell me what it is yet.. hrmmmmmmmm i wonder. cant wait for yearbook!!!! 19. THey totally assigned me VARSITY SOFtBaLL !!! I'm photographer for a varsity sport!!!AS A SOPHmORE!!! yesssssss!:):):) yessssssssssss.20. haha like 8 people have told me that i'm being hecka quiet .... idk haha i guess it all goes back to what micheal said at efy. just one stupid little comment. he didnt even mean it to be mean.. why did it sting so much then?21. as Jacqie pointed out...all my friends are so pretty... i guess that makes me unnatractive by comparison? idk. haha maybe its because i'm individual. Cassies convinced that its because i'm so outgoing.. its "intimidating" sigh. mixed information. 22. How is your day?? Whoever this is... haha taking the time to read this. fun:)23. hahah sooo i'm going out to dinner tonight i think... or not. eh:/. 24. I should call people:D 25. I want to talk to trotter... goodness. 26. HOBOS OF THE WORLD! Come be my friend!!! i need unnatractive friends!!!!!!! 27. do you think that my egg peeps could hurry up and come into my life?!?28. you'd understand that if you read my blog more often. 28... sooooooo . whats your favorite color. you can find out a lot about a person by thier favorite color.29.. so EfY was fun. I miss mike. haha he was 18.. lol but he made me feel good about myself for the first time last week:D he was a great friend( he's the guy on my heading top right) lol he said he wanted a nerdy girl to marry , and someone black on the inside.. he made me laugh so hard!haha 30. so. i never got brawnwens info . i totally loved her! 31... this is just stupid. i feel bad if you just read this whole thing. 32. Did you laugh?? i know you laughed. you did. i can feel it:D bahhahahah .anyways.33. i'mma go do something with my life now:) ttyl?!

Girls camp and EFY....

So much to talk about... and i'm not gonna skip anything:P so this ones going to be long.... sucks for you:) it'll still be bomb.com:)
Girlscamp day 1. We( ash and i) got to the stake center first, and unloaded our stuff onto the grass... i was hyper.. like maaaajjooorrlyy. i was greeting everyone by running to them( haha i did a lap around the church as tradition from me and ash.. but she didnt want to so i did it alone:( ), hugging them, and screaming a little... haha anyways, We rode up in sister fisks van talking about... stuff( boys, cars, girls camp etc,)... and it was me, annmarie, brittany, ashley,and austrey. hekca fun. anywhoozer, we got there, took our normal picture with the stimpson sign blah blah blah... then walked down the hill, greeted by our YCL's who had been there a day already, blowing bubbles and such. We walked up to the campsite and i found out my tenting situation... grr... I was with Tuila, Ashley Selby and Chelsea Kroh. I'm not saying i hate them or even dislike them. What i'm saying is My Friends were all in different tents. we had a bedtime. AND they wouldnt let us go to other peoples tents.. i find this MAJORLY retarded. like really?? thats always the best partof girls camp!!!!!! WTHeck!?psh anyways. We unloaded food, put watermelon in the stream that went straight through our campsite, and decorated our tent and such... we drew pictures on the watermelon, and such and messed around, had lunch ( subway for me whoot!) Did eachothers hair with the vanity in the middle of camp ( we nicknamed it the vainity:)) hahahaha and took pictures... then we had flag and announcements.... and we were off to our first activity.. they got RIGHT on that right?!?!anywhoozer, our first, being a fourth year was the lifeline. if you dont plan on doing it, or have done it before read on... if not well if you do its your loss. They told us to put our possesions on the table and recieved a bandana. I was told twice that it was going to be a quiet process... But girls were still talking . I tried shushing them, but in the end i gave up and just sat there quietly as possible. Then they told us to blindfold ourselves... which i needed help to do... they told us not to peek, because that would cheat us out of this experience. Ash and I promised eachother we'd keep our eyes closed.And i did. They told us we'd be tapped on the back and we were to be led to our destination. I dont remember how long i waited but it was only a few moments before i was tapped. keep in mind my eyes were closed and the whole world was dark. I was led to a rope, and i was told to never let go of it. in one hand was placed an egg. This represented something close and important to me. the MOST important thing to me. I couldnt decide. I didnt know for sure what was most important. he told me that if i needed help, all i had to do was raise my hand. He told me that when i came to the part where my rope went slack that was the end of my journey and i was to raise my hand. he then let go of me and told me to go. i walked forward a bit then was told to wait there. In my mind i thought that something went wrong and the rope broke, but when he kept pushing me back, i realized that this was an obsticle i had to overcome. i felt kind of lost, because i knew it was brother wagner... but i pushed past him using a lot more force than i thought would be nessesary. I kept walking and there was a tree the rope went around. i followed the rope, all the way around then was bombarded with someone else trying to take my egg.
they told me to not let it go right? so i pushed and held on tight, never letting it leave my hand... but i didnt even know what it was yet! i pushed them away with force , like i had the first, and this one moved away much easier after i used the force.. i guessed it was a woman.I kept going these stories all similar, my egg never left my hand, i went around anyone trying to get in my way, i was booking it! and then the rope went over some bumpy ground and i tripped and fell into a tree.... it hurt, but i pushed on. through these obsticles, I didnt think much of the significance of this exercise. I could hear people crying... but i wondered why. I got to a point where they were tugging at the rope trying to pull us onto another rope, away from the real one.I went around it finding myself clever for realizing it.. then wondered how many of my friends had fallen for that very same trick. I wondered how many felt lost when i didnt, how many had their egg taken away from them... I got to the end where the rope went slack and started taking off my blindfold. someone whispered in my ear "do you remember the instructions?" i pulled it tight over my eyes and I raised my hand. someone told me i had done a great job, and they led me over to someone who was crying. I hugged them... and they cried. I felt bad so i faked tears... and then was led to sit next to someone. It was Mallory i found out, because we whispered who is this? and then were silent for what felt like an eternity.... They told us after about half an hour to take off our blindfolds. a ton of girls were crying. I wasnt. Sister Wells stood up and Told us how this represented our lives, and how we went through it. I have since then analyzed my behavior a thousand times over. Why didnt i raise my hand for help?.. I thought i didnt need it., I push through life thinking about what others are going through and not spending much time thinking about myself. I try to make others feel strong by crying when they cry. I dont priorotize, and i dont know whats most important to me. i tend to push past obsticles pretending that they are nothing at all when they scar me so deeply, never asking for help until i make a mistake and absolutely CANT do it by myself. I tend to push the devil out of my mind... but he still manages to bring me down. I am one of those people who when told they cant.. do ANYTHING to prove them wrong. ...You can make more assumptions if you wish, because there are plenty more... but thats what i got. on the way down to the next activity i decided that my egg represented my future family. My future husband, and Children. the ones i'll be able to spend eternity with. We go down to the very bottom of the hill, and there is this big web thing. they tell us this story about a spider that made it and we cant touch the web, or talk and blah blah blah. we all have three minutes to get EVERYONE out. we try to get out of theweb without touching the sides at all all of us going different ways. Then one of the Eckersley twins picks up a piece of wood and lifts it up without touching. I thought , Genius! we'll be done in no time! ... but others kept going the hard way, they didnt understand that this way was soooo much easier.... we did it 5 more times, and by then over half were at our sides.... but there were still others. I was holding up the rope with a stick , as were about two others... it took us another 5 , then 10 tries to get everyone to come, then it took us another 2 to perfect it.. we clapped and cheered that the frustration was over with...and were then led to a tarp. we all had to stand on it, and while standing on it, flip it over. I became the leader, without meaning to, and we tried flipping it this way and that, i directed people where to go, and then told them to listen when whitney showed us her idea on a gum wrapper, to twist it at the middle... some girls stood and patiently listened, others helped me lead. in the end we had a great time and got it done! Sister Johnson pulled us into a circle and we pointed at who we thought were the leaders. I felt kinda bad for taking over and not giving the other girls a chance at being the leader, but they all were smiling and pointing mostly at me. It felt good. but i was blushing bright red, i'll tell you now. When we were done sister johnson pulled me aside and gave me a 212 pin. she and our fourth year leader said they were proud of me ,and ushered us on to the next activity. we Had a snack break and went up the hill alittle bit to brother meechem holding something called helium stick. we had to put a finger on it and gently bring it to the ground.. sounds easy right?! WRONG. hardest. thing. ever. people kept pushing up on the stick without meaning to, and the more we tried to go down, the higher up we went:/ grr. ashley and i soon realized that if we pushed our fingers together, that we could lower it to the ground without putting pressure on the stick. austrey , convinced that this wasnt possible( oh how i love her:)<3) didnt listen for a while. eventually we did it. Then did it again from the beginning with this philosophy. He told us thats the only way we could do it... rely on others.we went through a list of survival stuff and we then went up to my FAVORITE part of the day, all the way up in the upper ampetheater.There was a mother, her mother, her daugher and her daughters friend.they talked for a while about how in our teenage years, we base our view of the world on our emotions. It isnt till our early 20's when we get the logic view. because the brain develops from the back to the front. We then were told to have a heart like his, and to open our hearts to others. We walked over to a clear area. We were told to step over the line if.... the questions varied from if we ever felt inadequite, to if we were teased at school because of our race or religious views... i was shocked, to say the least at the amount of girls who were with me on the other side of the line. i stayed back only 2 times. out of the thirty. The questions were have you ever doubted your testimony, and do you always know that you are a daughter of god. ... we went up into the seats and sat in an awkward circle. The mother told us that this was a safe place. That we wouldnt be judged. She said" if you really knew me..." I was the first of the girls to go. If you really knew me you would know that.... i'll save that for someone who really knows me...anyways.we were sung a song and went back to camp bawling at the new love we had for our campers.. who knew that some of them... even the prettiest person i know thought she was ugly, or stupid, or that thier homes made them messed up... it killed me on the inside it really did. after that we had dinner, flag, went back to camp, and played if you love me baby( hilarious! sister dunsmore sat on top of sister fisk and they fell over!! annmarie did a catwalk to austrey, and i didnt crack until someone broke the rules and said something... oh how hilarious. i threw jenika like two feet then gasped at ashley and austrey for giving her that idea. all i'll say is it was a name then it said is a beast. KILLED Me i lauged so hard!)by the light of the fire. I put it out, went to my tent and fell asleep with my feet on the floor and my torso on my cot... because it broke... so fun! well.. That was my favorite day... i'll write the rest, and the best of EFY later:)

BEST DAY OF MY EXISTEnCE(so far)

Pioneer day, it was hilariously fun! haha Nathan kinda branded me as his for the day and I decided that i'd tag along;D haha we had some funny times:D Travis gave me a flower... hahahahhahaha. genius:D. I sang.. and When I got home i went in the backyard and sang some more.. till derek, nate, and ben came to give me a save the banjo cd ( signed whoot!):DMiss Sydney Trotter was amazingly gorgeous, the talks were fantastic, the food was amazing, and it was a blast! ( besides the sweltering humidity, but thats ok) THe next day I had church, and the speakers and everything were amazing:D Young womens we got cookies, and I went to the Smiths for dinner...then a great fireside by brother Alexander where i talked to shaun for the first time in forever! (oh that AND Brother Morrow made food!!! YUM!!) I'm pretty much positive that this weekend was the best of my life. I've never felt so good! I'm filled with the spirit, and i feel good about myself!.. I'm just so happy to be alive, and I absolutely cannot wait for Girls camp tomorrow, and EFY!!! the next week.. HAhahahahahhaha and i'm still only on 70%.. though I thought i was 100. but its ok, because i'm working on it!( sorry if only like two people in the world understand that) and if libby is reading this, My shoes are off, and i'm wading barefoot in a stream:D , Life cant get much better than this!!! Now i'm off to find something to do and get lunch, and pack:) oh! and a few other things that i chose not discuss:D <33333 life!.. all it takes is the spirit.

...

I'm sorry. I feel horrible. I took it out on the wrong person. You dream it, you can achieve it.I knew the right buttons to push didn't i? .. I'm an idiot. I wont ask you to forgive me anymore.... because i know i don't deserve it. I never ever want to do that again. ever. It's my fault. its all. my. fault.

Wierd dream!

Ohhhhkay. this dream wasnt wierd in like what happened in it... but it was just wierd period. It started out with me at girls camp and we were trying to pick a spot for our tents... but we couldnt find any place that wasnt rocky for the longest time, finally we looked on top of a ridge and found this place that was perfect, i mean it had the trenches already dug, and there was even a sitting area. it was pretty dandy. :) haha anyways, it was the first night ( or something like that i cant remember) and i just got up and left. I put on my running shoes, and bolted. I ran all the way home...an amazing feat, considering girls camp is about 15-20 miles away... and started baking cakes. I dont even know why, but i made them and there were a ton of them, like 20 -30 of them just plain round cakes... but i decided to bring them to the church... and miraculously everyone ( young men and young women) were there. just kinda waiting there. and up on the stand was sister smith. She had a table and instantaneously all the cakes were there, and she was frosting them different colors. and she said that she was going to hide them one for each of us, around the church, and it was our job to find them. I found mine and started eating it she had hidden a yellow cake up on a rafter..and it was really obvious...then after that i talked about girls camp with a guy.. he was like blonde or something, and i think it mightve been Jacob trotter... but after a few minutes these girls came up and started talking to us, and I left for home.dont know how it got there but there was a pool in my backyard right? like a below ground one... and next to it was a trampoline, on concrete flooring. and me and joe were jumping, talking and he asked me to shoot a movie of him in the pool.. so i got out a video camera, and started shooting.But dad put some ribs on the barbecue which was level with the pool, and the fire looked like it was going to do something wierd, when this storm hit, and joe and i were locked out of the house... and when i found a way in ( joe stayed in the pool) there they were. all 20-30 of my cakes all over my house. odd. but i understand where most of it is coming from.

DANCE

s'all i gotta say. Trotter got her gift and liked it ( or so she told me) and everyone freaked about the appearence of glasses on my face :P as usual, by the end i'm a sweaty mess, but i always end up having fun:D dancing like a maniac makes me feel good:D

two against one... or so they think

They're fighting a non-existent battle, calling me names, and trying to convince me that something i did about three months ago was wrong... hrm. i really dont care. i think its stupid and selfish that they are still dwelling on it:) my life has moved on, and i'm sorry they feel that way. They are only hurting themselves. and well the one whose still mad?? he is dragging along recruiters in this war against Rylea.. ahhh the hilarity:) it was ( one minute let me count on my fingers:D:D:D) 5 freaking months ago!!! dang man dwelling on the past much?!?! let it go. its really really only hurting you.. and seriously... you arent getting an apology outta me. at all. ever. cause in truth? ... what i did wasnt wrong. it was in defense of my two best friends in the whole wide world... you cannot say that that is a bad thing. ahhhhh boys. i need to find someone that is a polar opposite from them for my fh. :D:D:D well sweet dreams:D i hope that no one is attacking you.. grrr and i hope that they recruit no more:D

Another day of boring...

this is my plans for the day














































































































oh the interesting.

lalalala. i cant hear you( cause this is the internet.. i cant hear anyone.. i see what they write though:)

hhooookkkkaaayyy. hhere's what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna.... eh, i really actually have no idea. i prolly wont post this, i'm jus gonna writeandwriteandwriteandwriteeeeee. haha about nothing in particular. I'm currently: 1. waiting to babysit 2.munchin on cookie crisp. 3. listening to history channel. 4. writing. 5 thinking about my yearbook ( which i looked through today on a whim) 6. wishing i lived in this house about ... 5 years before it was built. 7.no wait. dad changed the channnel, its now ncis:D:D:D oohhh inntterressting:D:D:D and creepy. someone swallowed a ring and then proposed with it.the same guy killed his fiancees father! GASP! 8. thinking about my slurpee that derek bought me after dropping off alexa's present. 9. now i'm wondering when i should give justin his rock that i found on the fourth year hike so he can figure out what kind it is.10. back to history channel! cool. invisibility cloak. 10. whoopppsss a cookie crisp fell down my shirt:P haha 11. wondering if my glasses have the same effect on everyone. some say they make me look 20:D haha 12. feeling like a DoRk cause i'm blogging about nothing..... 13. hoping someone gets a laugh out of this. 14 laughing about a message justin and nate left me and the conversation katie ash and i had about it ( funny, vs. pointless) me and ash thought it was HILARIOUS!!! bahaha .15. thought of Mario which made me think of charlie and how i should post those pictures cause they're amazing, prolly the best i've ever done. 16. now thinking about spock... odd. i think startrek is kinda stupid ( no offence trekkies:D) 17. Now thinking of this book stranded in boringsville( where i am now.. cept i'm not in australia.. you'd have to read the book:D)18. now i'm thinking bout how this kinda just turned into a thought chain 19. dad changed the channel, and is giving the secret to cross country running.. now i'm interested:D haha i think its some kinda drug:P lame. anyways..... 20. now i'm thinking that that mouse looks hecka tired.. psh.21. whoaaa. i could take a drug to make me good at running:) haha thats cheating.. never mind:D haha wow. anywayss... i'm interested now.. i'll finish this later.
Hi, its later:D:D:D there ar 4 hours and 8 minutes until i get to do something... so i've been 1. looking up projects i can do... i love projects. i love them with a passion. they make life interesting. 2. eating watermelon3. randomly doing gymnastics around my house 4. reading random cookbooks, and wondering if friday ( when i can get the ingredients for my latest project [a cookbook]) could be farther away... 5. writing once again 6. watching tv. UGH I HATE BEING SO BORED THAT I HAVE TO WATCH T.V!!! . 7. doing laundry,8. thinking about how i want to make a CD of music which will make it so much easier to clean my room... 8. thinking how wierd it is that i only clean when no one is in the house so i can listen to my music. 9. thinking how i have two eights so this is really 10... wondering if 7 hours of sleeping and watching a movie deserves the 35 $ i got for it:D11. now i'm looking at my bracelet... haha its the one secret of my own i've kept. 12. now i'm missing mrs. Kidder who was the one who got me interested in everything... cooking, dancing, acting, sewing art, running, exercise, history, reading... everything.13. wondering if she's still alive, and prying she is. 14. wishing i could tell her how much she changed my life 15 wondering why i'm saying this... 16 whoooaaa if my husband ever did that... lets just say he wouldnt be my husband!!!! gah! ( trading spouses) 17. feelin bad for my little bro who's grounded for the rest of the summer :0 18 wondering if this list is longer than the last...19. nope not yet, two more to go... 20. haha i cant wait for my activity tonight:D water balloons!!!! 21.. i should call sister smith and see if she needs help filling up water balloons. 22.:P no answer. 23. terrible husband that other one is too... wow i hope not all men suck that bad once you get married.... 24. just got called in by my mom... haha she needed to know what rotflol is:) bahaha she's hilarious:D 25. now again, hoping that my husband will respect me. dang. these guys are terrible. ... oh my! he just kissed that other girl!!!!:,( i hate this. so depressing. 26.. i'm going to go and finish this list again...:D later. ( this is now 2 hours later:D)1. i put on my glasses, took my laundry out of the washer, did random gymnastics in my living room, thought some more about cleaning my room, and GOT A PHONE CALL!!!YESSS... of course they were just asking me to bring something to the activity tonight... but i had an ACTUAL CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE ... for the first time ALL DAY!!!! yesssssssssss . i'm . a. loser:D oh well. 2. i've been counting down the time till the activity and now there is only an hour and thirty three minutes left::D:D:D:D:D whoot!!!! fun. stuff. 3. I'm listening to music for the first time today:D lovin ron pope:)4. wondering what i should wear since its a water activity.. and i'm doubting we can just wear swimsuits:P 5. goodness, i love cartel:D still! they havent gotten boring yet! yesssss.... haha i wanna listen to my favorite song.mmkay . now that i'm doing that. i think i'll turn it up and dance around my living room while singing.. and see if my dad says anything:Dnope:P but max gave me a funny look.. haha i decided to go cliche and grabbed a "microphone" ( hairbrush) ooohhh!!! Taylor swift:D you belong with me:D . 6.gah. i wish trotter was here to do this with me. ... Grabbed my dad instead!!! lol!!! haha he told me i needed to go on a run ( agreed) and that max was right to look at me funny... and he shook his head a few times:D:D:D but he did dance :Dyeah. thats how bored i am!!! haha . 7. i wonder how trotter is:D 8. awwhh.. her brother left her today for the MTC... i'mma go call her and see how she's doing. i'mma post this, but i'll add on too:D

hello justin (a.k.a the only one who reads my blog...?)

haha your going to be bored with this one so you really shouldn't bother:D4th year hike was today.... Yesterday we spent the night at sister Fisk's house and colored our virtue rocks, wrote a note to our future husbands, made one "happy hat" and.... well slept.haha our plan was to leave the rock with "place name here's" virtue painted on it... the note is for whoever loves us enough to hike to the peak and back( freaking 18 miles!!!) with us... most likely if i remember it will be my fiancee/husband.. slap me if he's not:D... haha but the note is kinda retarded so... i hope someone ruins that part of it:D then i could just explain the whole "giving my virtue to you.. blah blah blah" part and get it over with:D anyways. we got up at 4:30 got ready, and left for the church, ate breakfast.. i forced miss Ashley Rumsey to run a lap around the church with me... which she wasn't so happy about:P haha i love her to death.and off we were.. me and Annmarie were chatting while everyone laughed( at me.. i am not exactly umm...on my rocker yet at 5 am:)we listened to brother Fisk's music.. good Charlotte, Jack Johnson... the works:D he has pretty good taste in music! haha anywhoozer, we got up to the start of the trail... after driving in circles for a while.. haha and were late for the group pictures so we took our own, and we were off. The first two or so miles like they told us, were straight up. We elevated a ton, I'm guessing 4 out of the 14 thousand feet. i mean FLIPPIN VERTICAL!!! haha and it killed.. and i kinda lost my hope.. but gained it after walking with Kenzee and Mallory for a while.. cheerleaders have a way of lifting your spirits like that. I caught up with some of my other friends, and kiffyn and we decided to stick to each other like glue. on the way we found a tree we called mel because it was carved into the side, "our" flowers krileas she named them:) we found a christmas tree, a charlie brown christmas tree, a disney tree, a heart shaped rock, a monkey in a tree.. oh and we named the "seven deadly switchbacks" with the help of miss Katie Abbott:D the acronym is Just Cats Wear Big Juicy Blue bonnets.... haha i'll tell you a few of the real names for them because they're hilarious.. the others i'd rather not put on the internet... they are funny but sorta could be offensive and... yeah:)Just- is Jake Horlacher because we were having a hard time thinking of a name.. and thought about it alot, so katie suggested it because he's a big thinker:) Wear is Wendell, because Katie had a headache ... and "wendell is a big fat headache" Big.. is betsey.. hahaRANDOM!!! Kiffyn was like .. we should name it devil. and i said "betsey!!!" .. haha it was hilarious. at the time.. i now realize that when i write it it sounds retarded.. but whatever:D Blue is becca.. because(says k) "at first it seemed nice... but thennn.. it got crazy and horrible!!!" and bonnet is billy.. cause kiffyn decided that she liked that it was the last one.. and that it was the best one so far.. and so she named it after someone that she likes:D:D:D so cute:) haha that was fun! i got to the top at around 11:30.. after probably dying a little inside.. but i didnt really feel that terrible... we ate lunch , signed our names, placed our rock and headed down encouraging all along the way:)we got down the second one and there was kenzee and mallory.. kenzee was crying and she had decided she couldnt make it to the top... so after some encouraging, some " i will carry you if i have to"'s and some rest, she, ash ,and sister fisk, hiked back up to the peak, while kiffyn and i, escorted a sickly miss katie abbott down the mountain... about 5 miles back my feet started to hurt.. and by 4 i couldnt sing with katie and kiffyn anymore.. my defense to pain is to get really quiet i guess... and i waged this kinda war with myself to go on. by 3 miles, i was bawling... and i was so mad at myself because i couldnt stop. i. hate . crying!.I made sure no one was coming and got down on my knees... and realized that his plan was for me to do this. i had to finish myself. my ankles and feet were swelling, my achilles were gigantic.. and they hurt like... well i'm not even going to say the words i was trying to block out of my head. by two, katie and kiffyn had left me... after we passed shannon who helped for a while... and i was walking alone.... and every step stabbed. when i finally got back.. i sat down and couldnt move, eat, or drink. i felt like death ( and as i'm writing this still do:(...) but i know that is what i was meant to go through.. for whatever reason:P anyways. i found out that i've been walking on fractures. whoot. that . SUCKED.:P but i did it. I feel like such a loser for going through such immense pain for such a small think as a hike.. but i swear i've never felt like that before in my life.. and hope not to ever again:P. i got home and layed in the bathtub.. in cold water because we didnt have any hot, and now here i am.. tired and in pain. but it was worth it. I think i'm going to do it again next year.. in my running shoes. anyways. other news, is drake and capri ARE moving down here.. he's going to shadow next year actually. and i found a new favorite movie, called my sassy girl.. so amazing! and oh yeah i went to a mister Justin Graf's birthday party on wednesday:) happy birthday i got him a rock from the mountain that i havent given him yet. He wants to be a geologist and I hope he succeeds.. and i hope that he likes the cool rock:)haha it was great. I hung out with lexi, and trotter, and got thrown in the pool.. played volleyball, went swimming... and it was fun:) I have glasses now too...:/ eh they look.. ok. i hung with charlie at a water park , and hailey.. we dressed up "in the era's" and made cookies:) i had a fourth of july make-up party because mine.. well sucked:) haha i'm uploading pictures now, so i'll post another one of just pictures later:) i am going to go to bed now so maybe i can wake up in the morning:) ttyl.

:) sooooOOOoOoO exited:D

♥ 'in life, eating up the crazy nights the funny comments, the activities that seem to last but seconds, the starbucks runs, the park time, the crazy lazy days of SUMMER '09. nEvEr FoRgEt♥ haha i was just exited it rhymed without me meaning it to, so i posted it:) Well mojor major MAJOR news here! and some stupid stuff i'm gonna rant about anyways:) but First IMPORTANT STUFF!!!! 1. We're painting my house:):):) yesssssssss . o.k. so maybe i dont exactly love the color ( green. bleh) but its not looking terrible and i must admit it adds GREAT personality to the house:D 2. My friend Ryan McGlynn from New York might come down and visit me!!!! oh my goodness! I haven't seen him since people to people in the seventh grade! oh my. Well actually thats the only time i've seen him. haha funny story. We're "married" lol . not really. I'll tell you the story eventually:) 3. Drake kissed me on the cheek. odd right? hrm. I'm positive he doesnt like me though. Well not positive. oh! he's moving down here.. maybe!! a definite possibility:)4. Found an amazing song ( unknown of course) its called turquoise and lavender by the morning of. .. here's the lyrics:Hey princess why you sitting over there ?
I think the flowers just smell better here .
Why don't you come give them a try?
Do you think that you can stay a while
Ive met many hardships down this road so its hard for me to belive
So ill give you all that I've got left it isnt much but I hope it fits

If your lost in my heart princess please dont go far
Because the day is almost ending
And to me your eyes are not choose to question light
[2x]

Hey princess in the paradial after glow
Do you think that we have grown
The seeds of our mistakes are to embellish every chance at stake
yea
well The grass is greener the air is clearer and the way we betrayal just wont heal her
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
This is our prize this is the glory and through the vast skills of our imagination well sing a proclamation of harmony

If your lost in my heart princess please don't go far
Because the day is almost ending
And to me your eyes are not choose to question light
[2x]

This is our prize , this is the glory through the vast skills of our imagination
Well sing a proclamation of harmony harmony harmony harmony
If your lost in my princess please don't go far cause the day is almost ending
And to me your eyes are not choose to questions light
[x2]{glory} Question light question light

I think part of the reason is because 1) no one else knows it, and its kinda hard to find. It sets me apart sorta. 2) because i wish someone cared enough to write me something like this. 3) because i get lost in the lyrics and the music and can listen to it a million times without getting bored.
5. I'm pretty much over ...my problematic one-track mind...yeah:) it killed me for a while. everything i thought about reminded me. But the disease has burnt itself out and i'm over it now:) 6.0.o a new boy moved into the ward in the house behind ours:) he's from goldcrest .. this should be interesting:P but now it seems wierd to talk about anything in my backyard haha.O.k. now for pointless ranting just skip it please. i just needed to get it out of my system:) its obvious where it stops:)
So.. i kinda feel third wheeled whenever i'm with my friends... i feel like an extra. There to fill the place of something else:P Idk its starting to bug me. and then there's miss perfection/ my best friend. She's killing me. No matter how hard i try i'm not "up-to standard" with her. She reminds me of a kinder, cleaner version of the popular girls... and everyone is drawn to her like moths to a flame. goodness me. Its like no matter what, if Ashley's there i'm in second place for whatever. Prettyness( and most of the time, basing my theory on the way boys treat us i'm not even 2nd) personality, spirituality, kindness, fun-to-be-around-ness. just EVERYTHING about her is "BETTER" sigh. it makes me feel like crap. I'm just there as a space filler. especially when there are boys involved. it just seems that the flock to her.... just gather around her feet and she turns them away and says nonono, its like some kind of boy contest " who can win Ashleys affection" so so SO many boys like her.Not to name names but last time i counted there were over 10 ... 10! My GOODNESS GIRL! SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US!!!!. but see thats the thing, even if they didnt like her, next in line is Kiffyn. and THEN one of us ( katie, annMarie, Rachel, and me) have some what of a chance. It's depressing. it really is.but the thing is, I love her to death. I'm just as bad as the others:( i cant help it. she's as close as it gets. Shes the hi-def to my sattelite. blu-ray to dvd, cheese to my macaroni:P My friend. but still. i wish i were her. She's picture perfect in thier eyes. in mine even. and i just feel... so . HUMAN.
Pointless ranting over. o.k. I have my physical tomorrow, then i might go see my sisters keeper with mi madre:) oh and we might make the camp banner tomorrow. ... they have officially ruined girls camp for me btw:P but fourth year hike should be ok. even though they cut out the sleeping at the base of the mountain part ( WTH?!?!) oh and they sucked the fun out of the rest of camp too! . sigh. even camp rally. which we choreographed today, even though we will be one of the only ones with a dance. We're rebelling. :) yup. and Drake was all over Ashley today:) whoot. oh well. he's a flirt. anywhoozer. my life is amazing, and i lovee love lovee!!! it :) <3>

haha from left to right, Ashley, Austrey,Kiffyn, Brittany, and me( on the bottom)

Life. as we know it.

Life as i know it is spinning in circles. Fun right? its like a carnival ride i cant get off of. I have so many people i know i could talk to , but the thing is... i dont know if i want to yet. I'm not comfortable talking about him yet. yeah i'm not even safe talking about it here, Because there is a vulture waiting to tear it apart and twist my words. Why do you think i havent written in so long...gosh. Well, I fixed the whole Josh thing. I felt like the worst person in the world for doing it, but i told him my standards, and that i wasnt willing to break them for him.. but i did lie to him and tell him i still liked him.. though i never really did in the first place. Then there's Drake who's leaving town tonight. that got complicated. I'm not sure I really " like " him, just because in the back of my mind i've always known he's leaving me. but it was pretty much amazing while he was here... i guess you could call him my rebound. So , here I am re-writing this a week later... the stuff before this is all from then.. the rest, deleted. Like i want the memory of it to be. Last night was amazing. I spent the night at Kiffyns with Ashley, after hanging with Brittany and Austrey. All of that after our camp t-shirt creating session:D haha mine are awesome! anyways, we went to Kiffyns, ate pizza bread ( amazing!!!) haha then we totally dressed up in beyond crazy outfits( I was a bumble bee, with a yellow tutu, black feather boa, my hair done up in "antennae" a yellow shirt, skinny jeans and bright yellow flip flops:D oh and dont forget the blue green and pink eyeshadow that went to my eyebrows.. revenge from ash and austrey:D:D hahahaha) In the process we laughed and took so many pictures you cannot even begin to imagine! oh my goodness! My camera was dead for most of it... but I got a few pictures:D Kiffyn was from the 80's, Ash was a rocker princess:) Brittany was a gator doctor, and austrey was... amazing:D another princess:D haha our costumes were bright, our hair teased, and we were laughing so hard! my favorite part had to be when I told Kiffyn to get something more "ugly" on, and was looking through her closet. Brittany picked up my Pajama Shirt off the bed( without knowing it was mine) and said here kiffyn! wear this! I dieeeedd!!! i was laughing so hard i couldnt breathe! We went outside to go to smiths and buy toilet paper... a car drove by and i told everyone to wave.. but they just said "HEY HEY HEY!!" and turned the car around, we ran into the house screaming and lauging..( we found out later that they were just turning into thier driveway.. baahahahahah!!) Brother Smith ended up taking us to Smiths, where we saw Rachel Purcell and her dad... bishop Purcell. hes not our current bishop.. but still .! haha everyone at smiths was laughing thier buts off at us:D we bought the cheapest tp we could find.. and we were off. we each grabbed two and ran out of the car to the Wolfes house:)we got them SO GOOD. Someone called car and we ran to hide.. but the car stopped... and the lady got out. I bolted. In flip-flops. Everyone else came after, and we laughed till we cried:DWe Dropped off Brittany, and Austrey and went back to the Smiths:D we decided we were going to bake something... hahahah Gooey cake!!! imagine this, a pound of powder sugar in a mixer... kiffyn misses and turns it on high... oh my goodness it was everywhere:D we ate so much of the batter i didnt think there would be enough left for the cake:Dwe baked it in too smal of a pan, and the middle was still batter when we took it out.. and ate half of it anyway:D we played truth( no one ever accepts dares:P) and I got crowned the official queen of random:) I Swear I'm not gonna say anything... exept HOSPITAL:) bahahahahahahah!!!! we were high off the fun of the night, and caught up in being the teenagers that we are.. we did a MASH.Cracked me up:D i live in a Shack in Iowa and Married Drake for love.bahahaha! i'm still getting married in the SAN DIEGO TEMPLE.. because trust me thats seriously where i'm getting married:D I'll upload pictures when i get them... oh yeah and one more fun fact, i didnt get up till 2:P hahahaha we stayed up LATE and Kiffyn and I watched so you think you can dance after Billy left( he came over while i was asleep and fell asleep on her couch after football:)) well, that was just about the most fun i've ever had:D I'm so glad. I just wish i couldve pushed brittany out of her shell.. I tried, and i know how she feels.. all the inside jokes and stuff..But I think she had fun anyways:D Well comment and tell me what you think of my crazy night:D:D:D

So...

that was wierd. I'm not used to this.. moving to fast thing. I dont like it. He held my hand... i mean if i'd known him better... but it was just odd for me, knowing him about a week in all, i know nothing about him!!!! i stole his hat. just for fun. He knows i have it. I dont know if i like this. I miss knowing boundaries! i like them!!!! they help keep you safe!. i miss. the way it was. ugh. I wish he would get to know me better. i wish i knew him better .. I wish i liked this.

SuMmErrrrrrrrrrr.:D

It feels so good to be out of school! Its officially been one week since i got out of there, and... well i've been CRAZY BUSY!!!:) and I've been hecka sick, and I've been Lazy and I've written stuff and got over drama and made cake.. and well here, i'll explain better:D
Thursday- Took my Geometry exam.. a D!!!! I GOT A B IN THAT CLASS!!! WHOOT! after the exam I was totally bored and wrote about it ... yeah bordom! anyways here it is:Last.Period. Crazy thought during the test... I've been scared out of my mind all day... no all week! I sit down at my desk, he gives the instructions, and like a gunshot, he says "you may begin" and the race against my thoughts begins. The final grade of the semester... B or C, that is the question, this test, the answer. I'm nervous and I know it shows. I'm reading the questions two, maybe three times a piece, playing with my hair, tapping my feet, putting my face in my hands... doubting myself with every question, watching th clocktaking my time... Then I have this inkling to do something crazy My heart says STAND UP!!! SHOUt what you feel! what you know about the way the brain works, how very unfair, and, not to mention, stressful this can be on a developing mind, the way logic works isnt for everyone... especially not me. My brain weighs the options and i decide against it, but the thought persists. "what a way to go out with a bang!" it shouts! but i'm one of those people who come IN loundly ... and then leave quietly, and though my "high school career" isn t over, i feel like i'm leaving in a way.... at least for now. The clock ticks down, five minutes, four, and tow three... I wonder to myself how this summer will change me. Because time does that to a person... tick tock.. and its over... the Last.Period. haha not bad for 10 minutes right? Anywhoozer, I then proceeded to pile into Dereks car, who took me to Trotters house, and then we got a ride with Jacob to Gerritts end of school party, so many people came! we walked in and stripped to our swimsuits. Justin threw Sydney in, but i just jumped in:D Anna looked at me kinda funny and had a "hunch" that justin liked sydney... then everyone else started "noticing"There was a bunch of stupid pointless drama that made me feel worthless ... blah blah blah:D haha anywhoozer, I started to feel kinda sick and my voice was very much gone, so I went home with the mills( oh yeah and i was sick of the drama.. that too) and kinda started ranting about how boys were so confuzing... my family thought it was HILARIOUS! they also thought that i was on my period.. hahahahahhaa anyways, mom gave me chocolate, and talked me through it, and dad... well dad sided with the boy ( biased!) saying that if anyone was being confuzing it was me... ( i did sorta have this weird theory about sending boys to china until after thier missions:D) I was being very dramatic and stupid.. haha stupid girl hormones got to me! lol well I layed down for a minute and Ashley called me asking if i wanted to spend the night:) HECK YES I DID!!!! we layed down on her trampoline for ... a while and talked about everything... I could talk to that girl for years i swear. I called Jake for her, and we were invited to a movie night thing... where this kid Peyton was looking at me oddly... because i knew him and he was trying to figure me out haha .I fell asleep about a quarter of the way through the movie... and then Ashley and I got a ride home... and well I slept.
Friday- I was woken at 6 by miss Hailey Sue:) such a cutie... exept it was six in the morning and i looked like a hobo no joke. which means since we got home at 2 ish .. that i had gotten four hours of sleep... and i didnt feel to hot. we went up into Ashleys room and fell asleep reading her yearbooks of old:) until 10 ish.... and then we went to my house for 10 minutes so i could grab some money, searched Old navy , and Target.... then i started feeling really sick.. we were in the car on the way to Kohls and i got really cold... i was shivering and had goosebumps all over... It felt odd considering the temperature:P Ashley picked and i was praying that she would hurry, but I smiled and helped her out because i love her so much. We got to the dressing room and I was so thankful i could sit down. I sat on the floor while she changed in the stall with her mom. Every once in a while she would ask me to go and find something for her and i would slowly stand up and do it... i felt so bad because i was probably taking forever... but i was freezing and felt collapsable.... if thats even a word... i felt like every movement was a punishment for something. I was in major pain. We ended up leaving without her finding a swimsuit ( sister Rumsey was upset that i had come along... so i was trying to not make her any more upset.... but I had to tell her i was sick because i couldnt do anything else.) and got in the car. I was praying we would go home, but we took a 20 minute drive to get a swimsuit from her Aunt.... I was really quiet and i felt sooo bad... but i seriously was dying. I finally got home and said goodbye... and Ashley ( love her to death) asked me to get my curling iron... i was about to fall over... or just flat out refuse, but i forced myself to walk the twenty feet and give it to her. gosh i must love her tons. I shuffled to my room, threw everything on my floor and slept for hours. I woke up for about ten minutes with a headache and just went back to bed.
Saturday- Confined to my bed... I dont remember much exept literally lying there thinking I was going to die and planning my will.
Sunday-Same... but I was getting better. I could walk today. Not very far, or for very long, but i could do it.Sister Kroh brought me Fruit Juice. MY ANGLE!!!
Monday-Could move around! I wanted to go running soooo bad! but i couldnt:/ I couldnt breathe well enough yet. I Sat on facebook most of the day, or took small naps. Then around 4ish I think, I was sitting on the couch watching T.V. When makenna came in the room and looked at me sitting on the couch... then said
" You arent going ANYWHERE" ..
" Yes, I'm going to Trotters"...
" NO, youre 'sickkk' remember?! you going to your friends house is bull s*** "
"Well.. do you want me to stay?! Cause i would have a BLAST at your party, just watch me."
" You ARENT ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN, YOURE F****** sick remember?! Youre to sick to do jack around the F****** house, your to sick to have fun!"
"You cant tell me when I can and cant have fun Makenna. I was sick, but i'm feeling well enough to see my friends,. I'll stay home if you want and have a TON of fun with YOUR FRIENDS trust me they'll LOVE having ME around"( it was the day of her graduation party)
I wouldnt make them mad, they have knives, and arent afraid to use them!!!"
"Well we'll have fun at that court case now wont we?:)"
" we have connections in the police force, you wouldnt even get a trial"
"wanna make a bet?!"
At this point she came about four inches from my face and started to scream at me because i had a straight face on... and was kinda smiling. I pushed her a little bit away from my face and she started hitting me... i curled up into a ball and then Max bit her, and I walked to the phone threatening to call the police, she grabbed the phone, then the door rang and I Left because trotter was there for me. I was crying( not bawling, but i couldnt help it because she hit me in the face), and not because it hurt( she cant hit for a crap) Sydney, her mom and I went to Costco,after I called my mom,then loaded it into her car, then unloaded:) we went downstairs and Picked a few movies, Cat woman, then Employee of the Month.. both great Movies!!! we went to bed.
Teusday- woke up( what felt like five minutes later) I was Driven home.... My mom told me Makenna was leaving today. I almost jumped for joy! haha anyways. She woke Makenna up and told her she had to leave. I put the cake i was making for Bailey in the oven( for her birthday), and Mom told me that i should probably go... so I got on my bike. Since Casper had nothing better to do he came with me. We rode out to Shadow, then into the desert, down to CVS, and then Back home... all in all about 13- 14 miles. took a while but i still needed to get out of the house mom got my cake out of the oven for me:D... Then David called.. my cake was ready ,so he "kidnapped me", and took me to Baileys house. We Kidnapped her for her birthday too, and rode to wal-mart, McDonalds, Justins house?( dont ask me why) haha then just around... we had some fun times... Bailey threw a French Fry down my shirt... We had an accidental chinese fire drill when there was a bug in the back bahahahaha:) We started taking people home... me last so david could "beat me" at Wii... Lies. I kicked his but at tennis twice and baseball too:D:D:D haha what now?! lol after that, I got a call from Kiffyn and Austrey and Ashley... and we went shopping... I made a boyfriend:) Pedro!!!! he's actually a salt shaker... but he was cute:) ahhhh good times:D lol we had an ugliest outfit competition.. and i won:D hahahhahahahhaha anywayyysss. after that we went to Panda Express and got food, then to golden spoon then home... oh the fun!:)
Wednesday- I lolled around the house for a while.. then made Kelseys cake and presents... then asked around for rides and couldnt find one... haha so i called david. Nathan tried to keep her in the back, but that miserably failed.. so Alexa helped me pointlessly decorate Kelseys front yard.:D bahahha (: [::] :) <--- band-aid:D lol that was random... Kelsey asked if i wanted to help make water baloons... so I did:D Kenna Jordyn and I watched forever strong... and messed around decorating the house... haha then I just went with them to thier activity... for like five minutes.. and we went to thier house, then to the park... just about everyone came:) It was fun, we played missionary tag, sharks and minnows ( makenna pushed me into a bush! :P)( haha its alright kenna:) we played sardines, had a water balloon fight, then ghost in the graveyard.. then went to a hush hush movie night:D we "watched" transformers haha but it was fun. I got brandt to crack playing if you love me baby, Kenna and Jordyn too:D haha .... then mostly everyone went home and a few of us stayed for a sleepover... I talked for a while ... then went to bed.
Thursday- Woke up for eggs in bread... delicious:D and then we watched the end of baby mama.. part of Juno, and the end of Nancy Drew... haha idk why all the preggo movies( except Nancy drew... though everytime i see that i think of the Harry potter knocked up Nancy drew thing.. bahahaha thats good:)) and now.. here I am, at home writing this:D I forgot my cell phone @ Kelseys.. but i'll get it back eventually:D and today has been good:D tonight there is a glow stick fight.. but i'm not sure if i'm going... hrmmmm haha well.. there's my summer so far:D i'll try to keep you in the loop... maybe:D

Rylea is Stupid.

so. Ugh. I mentioned this site that I promised i wouldnt tell anyone the writer of. and i think its kinda sucking, cause i think everyone thinks i wrote it:/ yeah. well. haha Its the last week of school... OH THE STRESS!!!!!!! Geometry final thursday...:((((((( i'm failing it:( lol sooo cray cray.welll anyways.. i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life.. or my summer. I'll figure it out eventually. I hope

Im A bEaSt!!!!!

so we totally lost... we wouldnt have if the coaches had done a different strategy... but we did.. but i was still a beast:) i was the only one who got any yards!!!!!!! I reaced nathan after and almost won! thats pretty much amazing:) mustve been the adrenaline:) haha afterwords was waaaay more fun anyways, i now trust Quinniepoo:) I would say more about tonight... but i recently found out that justin reads my blog:) Hello if your reading this:D lol grreeeaattt right? not really... more like whoops:) haha I got a really great pic with quin, i stole his hat for a while and Ash totally took the best pic ever, he actually smiled for me:):):) well, i feel like running.. i would, but its 8:30 and i still have homework. yay bumgarner:/ haha so Justin said he wanted to talk today.. we never got around to it but.. yeah. eWWWWwww everyone in my family is sick:P UGH do you realize that that means i'm the new servant girl. yuck. i already have to clean up Joeys puke... and the worst thing is, i know i'm next. Bleh. well, i'm gonna go do the things i should do. ew. goodnight world:)

ToDaY was- uneventful:)

I came home from my all to tiring day at school and took a naapppp! no hw... no interesting lessons.... just cool cause i totally wore a tie:)

today...

Wow. Lets never do that again:) no more "family meetings". please. if you want us all to talk, your going to have to ... no that wouldnt even work. straight jackets and duck tape couldnt keep makenna from spouting out the b.s. she thinks is real. Like no one does any work around the house but her. THATS A FLIPPING LOAD OF CRAP!!!!!!!!! she does nothing, to clue you in:) oh well, cant change someone who thinks theyre perfect the way they are:) hahahahhahahahha makenna, perfect, same sentence, i cant BREATHE!!!!! lol well.. i know that was rude, but if you knew her, you'd understand. I had a great day until then though:) I sang with the youth choir in Shadow Ridge ward, I went for a swim, read part of a book, and went to choir practice:) oh lets not forget to mention our fun little family meeting. shoot me. well its over now, thank the lord:) i'm gonna go read, or watch desperate housewives... my guilty pleasure..:P well Night:)

Needs

CoNsIsTeNcY. your hot then your cold your yes than your no.... setting myself up for the dissapointment i feel is coming... when you expect the worse, you can only get better.... unless your prediction is correct:/ Today is a beautiful sunday morning, and I cannot wait for Choir:)

dislikes her drunk father.

that basically spells it out... boredom in the lamest saturday i've had in a while, supposed to go to the dance, so i could literally dance with justin, but no. My dad decided to get drunk. whoops. shoot me.

So tonight....

Was amazing! I left for the thespian party with my dad, and got there... about half an hour late. I walked in just as they started voting for offices:) Kelseigh is our new president, with Kayla our vice, Aubrey is our secretary, Andrew(:( )is our publicity director ... ( insert correct name here) is our treasurer and Katie and I are historians:) yay!!! we had fun in the hallway just playing around taking pictures:) After, they got food, we played twister... and then Danielle and i snuck off to my spot on the couch in the lobby ( a.k.a THE BEST PLACE EVER!!!) we took pics there, then out at the mustang clock( pictures soon.. i hope:)) and then we played a game... we used our bodies to represent people, and items and things.. one was an airplane, we had trash can, exit sign, fire extinguisher:) it was hilarious:) we played mad gab, for a while and played around some more, then Danielle gave me a ride to the Morrows for thier movie night.. i had completely missed the movie of course, but it was fun:) a few minutes after i came, Ash and Austin left, and Katie, Shaun, Dallin and I played spoons, then egyptian cats...? something egyptian:) then we kind of just talked for a long time till it was time to go:) School, church, the dance, shauns lack of dating, those were all topics:) haha. I got home, brushed my teeth, threw my hair up and got on Pajamas, and here i am:) writing something that seems very inconsistent with the fun little shpiel i did earlier today:) but today was a good day. I knew it was going to be:)

So... life is cray cray.

Hello:) I havent talked since my fun week back in ... january i think it was... sorry trying to block it out:) I'm doing a good job!:) lol so as you can see i'm happy... ( no idea why... I am after all at home) but I am... Me and "Boy" are still good... but we have this little dance thing that he cant seem to get past... ugh! bugging me!:P

So the image above.. yeah that was done a long time ago, but I went back with my new camera ( birthday was a few weeks ago.. yeah lets not talk about that either) Lets hope no one that could possibly post this anywhere he could see it reads my blog... haha no one does anyway:) lol. I took this picture after the ward luau actually, which turned out AMAZING! it was sooo fun! haha afterwords we rode in the back of billy's truck and got sonic we felt like delinquints:) Mormons are crazy amazing:)My gardins looking good too:) My grapes are growing and the roses are blooming perfectly, its my own little iowa:) I miss it.... so i've been thinking about this summer, and well, I've decided to volunteer. I've decided either at A valley health system hospital, or at some kind of childrens center:) I need to get on that, but the application wont load on my computer. I have EFY and Girls camp and Intermurals for cross country to look forward to as well... this year has gone by quickly. It always seems that way when your looking back doesnt it? I dont know. It just seems like life is on a movie screen, and though i'm supposed to be a character in the movie, i'm just a viewer. Its a wierd feeling trust me! I'm just waiting for it to hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm now a thespian, and have decided to do cross country next year, I got on yearbook, and have fallen into a strange, sideways routine that involves the unpredictability of coming home. Today Makenna and Mom were sick. SWINE FLU OINK OINK!:) lol It'd be kinda cool to say you had swine flu wouldnt it? haha I dont know why everyone is freaking out about it! Our pool is up, and over spring break I went to California with Charlie, which was crazy amazing! We got snowed on in Big bear and i froze my butt off... on the other hand its supposed to break 100 this sunday here in vegas... odd how fast it heats up. I am participating in Powderpuff, and just got finished being on the set of Ozma of Oz.. i was a rock, and a good one at that:) lol I made my own yearbook for the year which i need to get signed, and have the Thespian party and a party at the Morrows tonight:) I dont know which one i'm going to yet.. which isnt good because.. well it starts in like 20 minutes.. i'll probably end up going to the thespian party, then catching whatever piece of Shauns party i can. My classes are packing up on the work ( except Geometry THANK THE LORD!!!!!I HAVE A B!!!!!!!!) I've found tons of new music too:) its good stuff! Forever the sickest kids, owl city, the summer set, eric hutchinson:) its getting me through:) haha My friends are great, a big thanks to all of them:) I've changed... even since I wrote last, and I'd like to thank them for sticking with me through it all:) you know who you are! if you want to know about "boy" then keep reading if not... well skip a few paragraphs. He's been so amazing, i dont know how to explain it... he's helped me through so much. Sometimes though we "dance" which is what i call him sortof kindof in a way "not-ignoring me" haha I'll go to talk to him and he'll nod then talk to someone else then i'll be talking to other people and he'll come to the group... but then leave if i address him directly. He probably doesnt even realize he's doing it.. .and well i'm not even sure its happening. I'm probably just reading things that arent there.. which i do alot. But other than that he's just one of those boys you want to spend every second of your day with:)

Ok back to non-boy stuff:) I now have four bracelets I wear constantly, One from ashley, one from Kiffyn, one from Charlie and one as a promise to myself to be happy with what i have and do the best i can to be "perfect". I'm not saying i'm good at it... and i'm making tons of mistakes, but thats ok, i'm human:) I know i havent done a very good job of filling you in on the past few months, but i'll try to write more often( no promises... i'm really bad at this i told you!) well i decided to throw a crazy pic in there for fun:) thats me eating leftover peanut butter of the bag that held my celery sticks:) have a GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Totally completely alone:(

So many people want to help, so many people have, but there is not one person I want to talk to but the one I cant.My mom. I sit there looking through my phone for a name to pop out at me, and there never is one. I want someone to talk to but its always the same. I know what your going through( never realized how many people's mothers have been in the hospital because partly of them, leaving them alone with thier never home father, sister that hates her to death,and little brother who keeps getting in trouble with the law, all the while dealing with a sister just out of surgery, and a cousin that just figured out she doesnt have cancer, its mono... oh ya and completely hating herself for being so freakin stupid about what she keeps saying to a boy that she likes....)or the all to famous, I'm so sorry is there anything I can do( they say anything because they have no idea what to do, and they dont have time to do it anyway, but they want you to think that they would if you said so) or my personal favorite, God wouldnt put you here if he didnt know you could handle it( 100 percent true, and they care about you, but they havent been anywhere near where you are, and they dont want to just say SUCK IT UP AND DEAL! cause that would be insensitve) I love everyone who's helped, but the only person who's done anything but listen to me is Kenzee, for whom I am grateful and totally endebted. Such a simple act( bringing me something tangible, cookies and a note) that I swear made my day. So many people love me, but so many people just dont get that all I want is to just make it dissapear. So if you ever have someone going through something big, try and get them out of the house, bring them something, hug them let them know that you WILL be there if they want to talk cause you dont care if its 2:00 in the morning, you will be there even if all they want to do is cry and vent. If you dont want to do any of these things. You shouldnt even be thier friend. Simple as that.. I would do that for anyone, even someone I didnt know.. But thats just me. Be someone's angel today. Do something. Something for someone you care about.