How is it

How is it that when I think I'm doing so good, and that I'm on the right path, I can concurrently feel like I am so far from my goal, and that I'll never get to where I want to be. I don't know where I want to be. Well I know what I want to be. I sort of need to reanalyze some things. Life is so overwhelming. I can for long periods of time block out the crazy and live solely in the moment as if my past doesn't haunt me, and if my future isn't unknown... but it always comes back to this gigantic IF. What if I will be affected by my actions for the rest of my life... because I will. And what if my actions are wrong? What if I'm trying to listen so hard that I stop hearing? What if my whole life is just as complex as i feel like it is. Will I ever be able to start again? Life is nothing like a video game, where you only get so far and then you get sent back to the beginning to try again. Each day is a new level, but the same game, and if we die, the game is over. I have no superpowers, and I feel so ALONE. I try to stay unaffected by my roommates and their boyfriends but they cannot relate to me at all. Their boyfriends change their perspective. Right now, they don't have an IF on the marriage box of their life's checklist like I do. Right now, they have someone who loves them for who they are and WANTS to spend eternity with them. A lot of the time I don't feel like I deserve that. I feel like I am stuck in an everlasting loneliness and satan just keeps whispering that if not now then never. I'M EIGHTEEN FOR GOODNESS SAKE... but I've never had a boyfriend and if someone gets too close I push them away. I really just want to talk to someone about all of this, but I'm too close to the picture. I can't explain how everything ties together. I can't just tell people that the Harmons are tied to my Dad who's tied to my mom who's tied to Makenna who's tied to Eramiah who's tied to my Brother who's tied to Newton which is tied to my past which is tied to Jake who is tied to a whole bunch of unknown feelings, and things I wish I had the guts to say. I just want to fix them. To let them know what I know. To make them feel like I feel when I hear the truth. I want to help them, to get them help. I want to repay them, all of them. Mostly the Harmons and the Hinrichsens and the Wyatts and everyone in the ward. I feel like I cant do any of these things. I can't fix. I can't help. I can't repay. I can't heal, and I feel like I never will heal until I can do all of these things. I can't make promises to Heavenly Father like this! I am unworthy of his kindness, of his forgiveness! He paid for our sins, and I give him so much to suffer for. He understands me completely and I take Him for granted.... There is just so much that I can't do. How is it that I can be so blessed... and yet so scared.