Totally completely alone:(

So many people want to help, so many people have, but there is not one person I want to talk to but the one I cant.My mom. I sit there looking through my phone for a name to pop out at me, and there never is one. I want someone to talk to but its always the same. I know what your going through( never realized how many people's mothers have been in the hospital because partly of them, leaving them alone with thier never home father, sister that hates her to death,and little brother who keeps getting in trouble with the law, all the while dealing with a sister just out of surgery, and a cousin that just figured out she doesnt have cancer, its mono... oh ya and completely hating herself for being so freakin stupid about what she keeps saying to a boy that she likes....)or the all to famous, I'm so sorry is there anything I can do( they say anything because they have no idea what to do, and they dont have time to do it anyway, but they want you to think that they would if you said so) or my personal favorite, God wouldnt put you here if he didnt know you could handle it( 100 percent true, and they care about you, but they havent been anywhere near where you are, and they dont want to just say SUCK IT UP AND DEAL! cause that would be insensitve) I love everyone who's helped, but the only person who's done anything but listen to me is Kenzee, for whom I am grateful and totally endebted. Such a simple act( bringing me something tangible, cookies and a note) that I swear made my day. So many people love me, but so many people just dont get that all I want is to just make it dissapear. So if you ever have someone going through something big, try and get them out of the house, bring them something, hug them let them know that you WILL be there if they want to talk cause you dont care if its 2:00 in the morning, you will be there even if all they want to do is cry and vent. If you dont want to do any of these things. You shouldnt even be thier friend. Simple as that.. I would do that for anyone, even someone I didnt know.. But thats just me. Be someone's angel today. Do something. Something for someone you care about.

My life. My lies.

I realized. I'm lying to the world. I really am. Everytime I've smiled this week (cept when I'm with him) it's been a lie. I have to literally put on a happy face every morning and I HATE it! Today, for one acts, there was no happy moments. But somehow for part of it, it didnt show. Only once, in front of Katie, then Ashley Graf... she must wonder why her brother could ever like a person as messed up as me. This has been the worst week of my life! Today.. started with me being sick. Ended feeling alone in the universe, on my roof, shaking, and crying, and just completely alone. Earlier today, I was so happy. Then I found out. My mother is in a hospital. Like an asylum. Because partly of me. I did this to her! I want to curl up into a ball and die. People wont shut up now. Theyre screaming, and everyone's talking and i'm frozen. dead to the world. I wish I could curl up in a ball and die. I thought I was strong. I had no idea.

Today

Today I felt
Nervous- all shaky, my heart pounding loudly, I look out and there he is... I look away and try and focus on the task at hand.
Exited-He's coming! I get to talk to him, and see him, and my smile wont leave my face.
Happy- He looks so good:) He smiled at me.. my heart has wings
Sad- he walked out without my hug
Sick- like a wave it came over me, all of a sudden.. the one thing I felt that didnt have to do with him.. My head is pounding im burning, im nasious, and everything hurts

...Rylea, January 21st

List

• He came to one acts:)
• It might not be cancer... only 5% its not, but thats better than nothing
• Annie's out of surgery
• I'm not dead
• I'm wearing my newsies costume to school tomorrow
• I got hugs:D
• David's getting babtized
• It Rained

This week so far has been crazy beyond belief.... All the odds seem to be stacked up against me! but it rained. Rain symbolizes washing the world clean. Maybe it will wash my problems away. I'll wake up tomorrow, and everyone I love will be healthy, and so will I. I will look good tomorrow, and get my hugs and... everything will be perfect... but though that seems impossible, there is no such thing as a miracle that cant come true.. thats why its called a miracle right? I need one right now... pray for me

dysfuncionality

I am not able to function today. I keep denying it, I dont know what to feel. How should I react? I should know, it should be instinct. Today feels normal. I woke up and realized, I couldnt come to church. I was a wreck, I couldnt do anything. I cant cry. I dont know what it is but this doesnt deserve crying, it deserves something more, and that something is what I need to find. Don't tell me it will be ok, because it wont. Dont tell me its o.k. to cry, or let it out cause it's not. It hasnt hit me. I need a fricken ton of bricks! I want my life to crash down around me. I don't want this, I want it to be a lie, someone just needs to come up to me and be like "its all a joke, this isnt your real life, we just wanted to test you! You passed, you can be happy now" No. Instead I need to be strong, and life will always have problems! I will always have trials, and I dont want that!!! I want this time to be gone, twenty years from now, I'm married in the temple with my kids sealed to me, my husband and I have enough money to get by, Miranda is fine, and out of pain completely, living in a house down the street. She finds the church, along with my dad and Makenna, and Mak realizes im not such a horrid person after all and forgives me for everything she thought I ever did wrong. Joe is married in the temple, and his kids and my kids are friends. But thats not whats gonna happen! and I want it so badly but I cant control my family. I cant control my fate. I'm helpless. I'm depressed that i'm helpless. I'm upset that I'm depressed. I'm never depressed so here I go, piecing together my smile for the world.