How is it

How is it that when I think I'm doing so good, and that I'm on the right path, I can concurrently feel like I am so far from my goal, and that I'll never get to where I want to be. I don't know where I want to be. Well I know what I want to be. I sort of need to reanalyze some things. Life is so overwhelming. I can for long periods of time block out the crazy and live solely in the moment as if my past doesn't haunt me, and if my future isn't unknown... but it always comes back to this gigantic IF. What if I will be affected by my actions for the rest of my life... because I will. And what if my actions are wrong? What if I'm trying to listen so hard that I stop hearing? What if my whole life is just as complex as i feel like it is. Will I ever be able to start again? Life is nothing like a video game, where you only get so far and then you get sent back to the beginning to try again. Each day is a new level, but the same game, and if we die, the game is over. I have no superpowers, and I feel so ALONE. I try to stay unaffected by my roommates and their boyfriends but they cannot relate to me at all. Their boyfriends change their perspective. Right now, they don't have an IF on the marriage box of their life's checklist like I do. Right now, they have someone who loves them for who they are and WANTS to spend eternity with them. A lot of the time I don't feel like I deserve that. I feel like I am stuck in an everlasting loneliness and satan just keeps whispering that if not now then never. I'M EIGHTEEN FOR GOODNESS SAKE... but I've never had a boyfriend and if someone gets too close I push them away. I really just want to talk to someone about all of this, but I'm too close to the picture. I can't explain how everything ties together. I can't just tell people that the Harmons are tied to my Dad who's tied to my mom who's tied to Makenna who's tied to Eramiah who's tied to my Brother who's tied to Newton which is tied to my past which is tied to Jake who is tied to a whole bunch of unknown feelings, and things I wish I had the guts to say. I just want to fix them. To let them know what I know. To make them feel like I feel when I hear the truth. I want to help them, to get them help. I want to repay them, all of them. Mostly the Harmons and the Hinrichsens and the Wyatts and everyone in the ward. I feel like I cant do any of these things. I can't fix. I can't help. I can't repay. I can't heal, and I feel like I never will heal until I can do all of these things. I can't make promises to Heavenly Father like this! I am unworthy of his kindness, of his forgiveness! He paid for our sins, and I give him so much to suffer for. He understands me completely and I take Him for granted.... There is just so much that I can't do. How is it that I can be so blessed... and yet so scared.

The date.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! did my dreams just come true... YES. YES THEY DID. thanks to you Tanner. Thanks to you.

I owe Iowa.

I owe Iowa. Without my yearly adventure to this wonderful state hope in friendships, families and the bonds between people would be lost completely. Every connection I make here is real and wild, and truly beautiful. It teaches me that friendships can be strong and based on mutual appreciation instead of need. It shows me that sometimes people can be there for you even if there is nothing in it for them. I am addicted to the nostalgic green beauty that feeds into my life every second I am outside on a dirt road, by a field, or near something ALIVE which is everywhere because life is the true essense of this place... Though where I am, the business is dying and sadly it seems so is the populace, my faith in this town, in this PEOPLE is not lost. Nay, it is growing every second someone nearly forgotton remembers my name, something anecdotal I did as a small child, or smiles and waves at me from a the sidewalk as I drive by in a car. As my old haunts start to crumble, namely the playground I basically lived on, the coffee-shop where I created my favorite drink -- the strawberry coconut italian soda-- and the home where I learned to create, to walk, to jump, and to play, instead of dying with them, my memories of them become vivid and alive, and my connections grow stronger. I recently went to the bridge where I had my first kiss, and though the awkward unenjoyable passion had completely faded, the magic of being inside one of my memories was a feeling comparable to knowing the answer to an obscure board game question. It was something so personal, and unexplainable and empowering... like exploring myself. Understanding a parts of me that were unexplainable and new before.As I explore my memories one by one, as I reconnect to the old and aged places of my early youth an obscure feeling of pressure arises in my chest, along with enough joy to fill my entire being to my fingertips. I need Iowa. I need to know that I'm loved, and beautiful and wanted, and worthy of relationships with others. No one needs to understand why but me. I've grown up Ty. If you don't think so, that is no one's problem but yours. I know myself better now, I know what I want more than anything, and in a month and a half, I will be able to make those decisions for myself. I'm ready for life. I'm ready to be happy. I owe you Iowa.

" I don't think we're going to come"

Happy Graduation.

Beachy time and less than peachy time

First week of Summer was wonderful. Started with a "vacation" with Marci and the boys which was just amazing.Though I was getting paid for it, it definitely wasn't work, and I feel a little guilty that I am getting paid.Speaking of paid, this strange but wonderful occurance happened-- She paid attention to me, and asked for my input and cared about me. I really felt comfortable around them. We went to the beach and camped and just chilled mostly. It is so beautiful in the La Jolla/ San Diego area. I loved just driving around and seeing the beautiful houses in Coronado and La Jolla and chillin on the beach watching the boys. On Monday I became the boogie boarding master thanks to my sensai Jake Fisk, and Teusday we spent in La Jolla, at this amazing cave and on the most beautiful beach I've ever seen. My favorite moments were just moments with the boys The best quotes were... " Im Comin Nemo!"- Lucas " Even Jesus probably spills sometimes"- Tyson " Here, try some! It's good!" -Lucas " Want a kid? You don't have to buy him or anything!" -Marci That was some awesome "Beachy time" Then yesterday as we're driving home Kim texts me and asks if I could babysit for the next 3 days, which I'm okay with... It just kind of bothered me the way she went about asking, and talking at me. Here starts the less than peachy time. As they were leaving she starts pointing out some of my flaws unintentionaly saying to the kids " I'm sure Rylea will be very PATIENT and KIND with you guys" as if I'm not usually... it was very pointed, and not very kind. Then I get a little bit upset, I mean I'm okay with babysitting. I do it for them all the time. But something Marci pointed out-- that they asked me the day before-- and the way she was talking at me was rubbing the wrong way. All of a sudden, I really didn't want to do anything for her. She was being kind of mean, and catty, and I felt really bad about myself because of the things she was saying... and it only got worse. She noticed that I wasn't very excited, and she pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. So here's my mistake I told her. I said, I dont really think it was considerate that you just asked me yesterday. She proceeds to scoff at this, and rebutt it saying that there was no way that this was inconsiderate, and totally putting me down. Then she says that if I dont want to do it I don't have to and that she will call off the whole thing if I can't treat her children correctly which was low. I mean... yes I was upset but now she's 1. Making me feel like a terrible person for even mentioning that I dont appreciate something she's doing then 2. Alienating me by asking me if I can treat HER kids fairly... and 3. making me feel bad that I'm living with her by saying " You live in our house, of course I'd expect you to babysit even if it means sometimes missing a party, which was not what I was getting at. Totally stomping me. Sometimes I have feelings, and arent people who love you supposed to respect that. It really upset me. I'm not very happy with her. But no worries guys. I've been the perfect babysitter because I'm not backstabbing, or bad, or even ungrateful, but the way she said the things she did, definitely does not make me want to be fun, or super helpful, or kind... though I'm not going to take out my anger on the kids. Which Kim apparantly doesnt think I'm capable of doing. Its so frustrating. I definitely dont feel like part of the family. I want college. I dont want to deal with feelings and family and confusing relationships I can't escape anymore. I'm done. I love summer, just wish I had my own house. 3 more months

Some things grad bash has taught me...

1. I do not appreciate most of the people my age 2. I act so different when I'm scared or nervous. I really do hide behind my false bravery 3. I love my personality when I'm not trying so hard. 4. Staying up all night isn't killer for me. 5. HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS, and all of it's drama with it. I almost don't want to walk at graduation because its just so stupid, and I know I've graduated... why does anyone else need to? 6. I'm ready to move on. 7.Im SOOOOOOOO going to date people who are older than me. I feel it. 8. Tanner and Kawai are so adorable. I honestly believe that they are extremely compatible. 9. Music enhances moods, and lack of it makes for a mediocre experience 10. I am oddly good at psycoanalysis. 11. Even LDS boys can be super-douches.

senior

SENIOR YEAR Supposedly the best year of high school. I kind of hated it, but that's besides the point. I love my life. I'm blessed to have a place to live and for my trials and for being who I am and for college being paid off and for flying kites today... epic. BASICALLY ( though I'm lonely sometimes) I LOVE BEING ALIVE oh and I love grapes. Just throwing that out there :) GRADUATION CANT COME SOON ENOUGH.

Complexity

So today Kim and I went to the gym. It was also Jackson's Kindergarten graduation. It was adorable, and everyone made such a big deal out of it. When we were leaving the gym, Kim started talking to one of the women who work there about Jacks graduation and how he was growing up so fast, and then amongst other things named the ages of all of her children. She didn't mention me. It kind of stung, seeing as the topic was graduation, and well... I'm graduating High school... In June. THIS YEAR. Which I think is an appropriate thing to mention when I'm standing there, as you talk about your children. Noting that--It's kind been a weird life recently in the whole family aspect. If I'm ever feeling bad though, Kim and Ty are first to mention that they are my family, and that I have plenty of people who love me, which is in fact true, however I'm no one's child ( excluding my "real" family which I hardly ever associate with) and so that level of care and attention which is exuded most openly with their own children is mostly skipped for me. I feel unloved, and unwanted, and now due to this lovely rant, I feel complain-y. I really do want to feel like part of the family, but who are we kidding? We both know I'm not. What is love if you don't show it, or say it. It's as if people just expect me to know that they love me... and I just expect to love people without trying. I need to try. I love Lucas. And Caroline. And Caroline's baby, and Marci. And I do love the Harmons, though I think I'm closing off to them because I feel like they are hurting me. Oh the complexity.

Accomplished much?

CIRCLES. I clean my room so I can live in it comfortably until I cant then I clean it again. I do my laundry so I can wear my clothes then wash them all over again. I understand the draw, I love when things are clean, and I'm telling you, Kim has molded me into this clean monster because before I didn't mind living in filth. ANYWHO. I'm a tad excited with the thought of the upcoming weeks. FIRST AND FOREMOST: GETTING PAID 12 DOLLARS AN HOUR TO SIT ON THE BEACH. well..maybe thats an exaggeration. It's going to be quite the job making sure Ty and Luke don't get eaten by a shark... In the end though, it's money for vacation time, and I'm ALL IN. Other than that, ditching is a definite tomorrow. What's the point? Everyone's going to be at grad night anyway.

shot dead

bring it up bang bang shot dead.Why is it that I feel like I can't talk to anyone, and yet I feel the need to post some angsty adolescent rant on facebook about how I feel? Something is wrong with my generations wiring... I guess I'd go on a walk if I was allowed out of the house.. but I'm isolated in my insecurity for the moment, stuck in this glass house that I cant throw stones at for fear it will shatter into a thousand peices. Honestly I just feel extremely alone. Why is it that this is the problem with everyone I've ever met... Do I have no excuse? I have no family, I'm pretending to be a member of a family... I'm not. All my friends are phony, or too busy for me if you can really call that friendship. The people I feel like I can talk to about anything and bang bang shot dead. "JUST TWO MORE WEEKS HAHA ITS NOT A BIG DEAL" Well sorry to break it to you but its a big deal to me. " YOU DONT FOCUS ON ALL THE GOOD THINGS HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE" Wanna make a bet? Im happy most of the time! I'm hardly ever upset... but this time I felt like I should take Brother Valerio's advice and let my guard down. Tear down some walls... I really just want to build a huge wall right now. a mile thick. No one can ever reach me again. I let my walls down-- bang bang shot dead. How I really feel.. bang bang shot dead. So hypocritical " YOU CAN TALK TO US" " FAMILY IS ALLOWED TO BE VUNERABLE" bull. For once I told you what I felt... bang bang so alone.

MEAN

You with your words like knives... All you are is mean.

You have thoughts in your brain and feet in your shoes you can choose to steer yourself.... Okay so no I cannot perfectly quote dr.Seuss Which I think, considering the fact that tomorrow is my adult birthday--- is an okay thing. I know people my age should be over childrens books, but lets face facts here... I love doing funny voices for all of the characters. Its just hilarious. Lets face a few more facts. I have officially made it through 18 pretty dang hard years of life relatively unscathed! GO ME! And though it sometimes seems like I'm my only cheerleader ( ahem. and I quote" GO ME!") I have had so many angels lead me along my weary road. Ive figured out that I've been driving a figurative car since I was about 8 and conscious of my choices. I think I did a great job keeping steady through the bumps, and keeping my seatbelt fastened tight. I only took it off once and though wreckless I indeed put it back on and ended up with only a few bruises that with time will heal ( the seatbelt is the gospel if you didnt catch my intented metaphor) Crazy to think I'm a grown up... I feel like one though I hardly act it. And while all of the superficial happy birthday wishes will be nice, I think that truly and honestly the best part about this birthday is the fact that I'm not anxious, or worried about something huge happening! I just want people to be nice/civil to me. I'm comfortable..being me that is. Im okay with who I am and where I'm going... I'm really okay with being here most of the time... AND IN MY LAST WORDS OF AN UNWASTED CHILDHOOD " If you ever have a mental garage sale and need to figure out what to keep, keep your imagination... It will always be worth it to dream" -Rylea Driscoll

The LIST.

In my usual form... A LIST. but not just any list, OH NO NO NO.... a list of things I just realized. THIS is a BIG list 1. I spend about 5/8ths of my life in Pajamas 2. I'm a big girl now. 3. It's my turn to be a mommy soon. I'm almost there... IM SO READY. 4. Life moves so fast, its like water through a filter... the present slows it down ( like a filter. choosing the way we take the experience) but the future and the past are still being shaped. The past is over, but our perceptions of it change. 5. Love songs will one day be true for me. 6. I, after about 8 years.. LIKE the color PINK. ( whoa. big change) 7. Shaun Morrow has influenced me beyond all comprehension. I'm going to miss him extremely. 8. Being covered in paint is something I wouldn't mind doing every day. I should be an artist 9. I want to decorate my house. And have a big garden. A BEAUTIFUL backyard. 10. Yellow heels are harder to find than I expected... 11. Sydnee Hinrichsen is beautiful. 12. Michael Heger is still a part of my life, even though he insists on ignoring me completely. 13. I feel CREATIVE. 14. I always get out of bed in the same place 15. Even through all this change, my changing has moved at a completely separate pace 16. I don't hate my past. I'm so grateful for my family, and Makenna, and Joe, and ... all the stuff that happened. 17. What will I do when the Bishop is released?! 18.The formal is gonna be rockin awesome. Even if my date is too shy to talk to me now... he wont be. I hope. 19. School is almost over 20 THE DAY IS COMING SOON WHERE I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. CHOOSE MY OWN PATHS. MAKE MY OWN FOOD. LIVE WITH MYSELF. CREATE MY OWN LIFE. FIND MYSELF 21. I need to get a license.... 22. No matter where I go, I wont ever forget the angels I have in my life... so many of them.... I have so many angels. My ward... is ... my family.