dysfuncionality

I am not able to function today. I keep denying it, I dont know what to feel. How should I react? I should know, it should be instinct. Today feels normal. I woke up and realized, I couldnt come to church. I was a wreck, I couldnt do anything. I cant cry. I dont know what it is but this doesnt deserve crying, it deserves something more, and that something is what I need to find. Don't tell me it will be ok, because it wont. Dont tell me its o.k. to cry, or let it out cause it's not. It hasnt hit me. I need a fricken ton of bricks! I want my life to crash down around me. I don't want this, I want it to be a lie, someone just needs to come up to me and be like "its all a joke, this isnt your real life, we just wanted to test you! You passed, you can be happy now" No. Instead I need to be strong, and life will always have problems! I will always have trials, and I dont want that!!! I want this time to be gone, twenty years from now, I'm married in the temple with my kids sealed to me, my husband and I have enough money to get by, Miranda is fine, and out of pain completely, living in a house down the street. She finds the church, along with my dad and Makenna, and Mak realizes im not such a horrid person after all and forgives me for everything she thought I ever did wrong. Joe is married in the temple, and his kids and my kids are friends. But thats not whats gonna happen! and I want it so badly but I cant control my family. I cant control my fate. I'm helpless. I'm depressed that i'm helpless. I'm upset that I'm depressed. I'm never depressed so here I go, piecing together my smile for the world.