cracking and cancer

I dont know what happened tonight, but I just cracked. Tonight during one of the songs, I just couldnt stand looking happy for the world. I just couldnt anymore. I dont know why it happened, or how long it's been trying to but I broke down like a machine. I sat in a room alone for a song or two crying, and praying then trying to put on a happy face again but it didnt work. It was as if my life shattered into a million pieces on the floor and no one noticed. Something just clicked and I realized she isnt ok. Miranda could die, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. CANCER. Its a word I never realized the effect of till today. I'm dying, crying, while she's in pain, and I dont even know what that is! I'm hurting, but I dont deserve to! She wont even tell me... im being selfish by hurting, but im scared! I'm scared to death and I just want someone to hold me together because I feel like im falling apart. How to deal with the pain of someone you care for more than yourself? Why cant I have cancer? She doesnt deserve this!!! She deserves everything good in the world. NOT THIS! It cant be true! Its not happening to her! Just give it to me, and take it away from her. Not now. Not her. Just .... leave my life alone for once.