Sometimes getting your hopes up hurts more than just expecting the worst. I wish I was a pessimist right now. Auditions for the play were this Monday. I got call backs which were on Wednesday and I sang, danced, and acted to the best of my ability trying to get the best part that I could. I thought I did pretty well! I was exited beyond nothing else and had a great time doing all of it. This morning was torture, I couldnt pay attention in my classes and I was ansey to just find out what part I got. I knew deep down that it wasnt going to be amazing and I did get a speaking part, but when you have these hopes for a part and all week people have been telling me that I was amazing and that I was going to get them it kind of ... hurt when I found out that my best friends got the part that I wanted... the songs I loved and the people I wanted to play. Katie got 2 of the parts I wanted! They're gorgeous talented singers, her and Talia and I shouldnt have expected more but I did and it sucks to know that I worked so hard to get those parts and what seemed effortless to them was so hard for me. In the end I recieved 9 parts. 2to 4 of them are speaking parts and all of the rest are walking around in the backround in a costume. I recieved, Ghost acolyte 3, Scrooge when he's 8, Grace Smythe, Fezzywig's party goer, want, gv, jailer, creditor, and Fan. Fan is Scrooges little dead sister, and Grace Smythe is the daughter of the man whose wife just died, and begs scrooge to help him so he can pay for her funeral costs. Want is a scrawny almost dead child who represents all things bad in the world. I have NO idea what a gv or a ghost acolyte is, and a fezzywig's party goer is just someone who dances or walks around in the backround when scrooge is in the past im guessing thats what jailors and creditors do too.... DONT GET ME WRONG im happy with my part...s.... but I feel like I did really good and I guess I built myself up so much and I wanted those parts SO bad! I just dont know.... But I am so happy for Talia and Katie because I knew that they would both get the good parts anyway...They are always sooo amazing and can sing and act and well... I think theyre about as kind and pretty and perfect as it gets.
Wednesday was a nightmare. It made me want to crawl under a rock and never come out. We were playing indoor soccer and I hurt my knee by sliding into a wall, and Austin accidently kicked my ankle but thats not even close to the part that hurt the most. Joe didnt want to come to the activity in the first place and now that I'm not blind I see why. They tease him. It's not just the Young Men either! Its the LEADERS! THE LEADERS!!!! I cant believe I didnt see it before. He got hit with the ball in the jaw and fell and the leaders teased him.. the young men laughed but the leaders where the ones that were teasing him. HE WAS ON THE FLOOR CRYING! and all they could do was laugh about his inablility to walk without falling, or stop hurting him self accidentaly( a problem I also have) and he was in pain.... that got to me because that is exactly the reason Makenna says she fell away from the church and it seems that there is no hope for my family anymore... like I'm the only one who cares about anything important anymore. I am a stranger in my own home. Of course once you finally see something you see it everywhere so all I could think about was how everyone was making fun of me especially my "best friends." They teased me about EVERYTHING and I used to block it out and not say anything but they started getting to me, the little jabs about volleyball and diving and tripping over my own feet , or saying something stupid. It made me feel inferior I realized just because I dont look for little faults and couldnt call on anyone's faults but my own in that group that it made me feel like I was just there as someone for them to pick on. Its stupid I know these are my friends and they are just teasing, and not meaning it but it made me pick on myself and all my little problems. It made me feel inferior to them it made me feel like crap! Like I never want to go to an activity again... It made me feel horrible and I didnt want to be there at all. My world was crumbling beneath my feet and IT was coming in, I gave the devil a chance to get me and he took advantage of it let me tell you. I cried myself to sleep that night for the first time in a long time.
Sometimes the little things add up to one big blob, not getting the "perfect" part , noticing the teasing I was once immune to and just being piled with so much homework and drama that it feels like I'm drowning. Where can I turn for peace? Who will tell me that I'm pretty. You notice when guys like your friends and you can tell! but no one likes me! Do you think its because they tease me ? or because they make sure to pick at the things that hurt when the guy you like is RIGHT THERE.... who knows
My name is Rylea... Whats yours?
No comments:
Post a Comment