Well hello 9 years from then

 Did it all work out? You have been waiting almost 10 years to find out I guess, so I should let you know that it did. And it always does. And you should stress less, and worry less, and CHILL OUT. But you dont know how so that's fun. Hence, why I'm here typing this onto my old childhood blog, which I'm sure I would cringe to NO END to read, but maybe I'll chance it sometime. 

Here I am back because I'm stressed, and my typical coping mechanisms are a little complicated. I used to exercise, and eat. Welllll 3 kids later and exercise is still great, but I'm at the least in shape I've ever been (though funnily enough, the same weight. Fun). So exercise just adds stress. At least the thought of it does. In Provo I used to be able to go for free, with people that were 0 judgement. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I want to go exercise where no one knows me. Because I am ashamed of how bad I've gotten. Who knows if I've actually gotten bad. My brain tells me I have. That's kind of what happens when you dont do something for a year and a half (THANK YOU PAROSMIA. BIG THUMBS DOWN. WORST EVER) and yeah, that dysgeusia/parosmia issue is why eating no longer fills the void, though it wasn't healthy to begin with anyway. 

SOOOooooooo I've just been struggling. Quietly, because why in the world would I bother other people with this? Because people around me honestly really feel like emotions are a no go. The few people I've talked to seemed like I was a wet paper towel on the floor, ew, I dont know what to do with this. BUT honestly that could be a perception issue on my part (yay trauma, making me hypersensitive to every mood of every person around me at all times). And Wesley knows all about it, but honestly the man has very little skill with validation, and how he does therapy for a living I sometimes have no idea. I'm sure he's very skilled. But talking to him about problems is as helpful as well, talking to a brick wall... or a blog from my childhood. Same difference. No one talks back. 

It is all just feeling like too much. The no friends thing. The PTO thing ( ugh. so dumb). Summer coming up, budgeting in the time of ridiculous inflation. Trying to feed everyone and do children's sports and give them everything they need, while just kind of ignoring myself. I dont have time to do the things that I love, mainly theater, but that's a them problem- way to do shows the week of Iona Days/ Katies wedding. Rude. Also my Iona Days people are really REALLY not kicking it into gear. But I'm trying to be cool and not stress. It's not working out. I really wish I could just turn that off. I'm fine once I vent that, but keri is so condescending and I never see heather, and wesley doesn't really care, and Kristen is just in a different phase of life and we both have children's sports so that sucks, and Megan is MIA and who the heck knows what happened with that. Just another check on the list of people who totally abandoned me. Seems to be the theme. Speaking of which, why am I so cordial with all these people who are totally awful to me? Oh right. Cause I dont have anyone else to lean on. thanks fam. Love that for me. 

Im so excited that my kids get to have people to lean on when they grow up. but DAMN. Why couldn't I have had that?! It just feels like everyone around me has this great support system, or even just A support system, and I'm over here winging it by myself just struggling all alone. 

Lean on Jesus, yeah I know blah blah blah, people have it worse than me, of COURSE they do. I'm aware that life could suck a lot worse than this, because, well, it did for many years. I should just be happy 

I am.

I'm stressed though too

It seems reasonable to be that.

But I dont' want to be.

But what am I going to do about it?

Who the hell knows. Probably just continue to complain about it on the internet because real life is so lonely sometimes. And I will never EVER be the mom who leans on her children for support. That's not their job. Even though they are honestly my best friends, the boundaries have to be there because I won't allow what happened to me to happen to them... but then I get so stressed about being the perfect mom. I worry. Too much of this, too little of that, everything is slipping, where the heck are the only socks bennett will wear to soccer, never doing sports again 

JUST SHUT UP BRAIN. I just want some peace and quiet and friends and help and someone to talk to who actually cares when I'm struggling. 

Back to square one. Nothing I can do to remedy that. Just gotta wait for God to decide that it's my time to have people. To not have to muscle through by my lonesome. But sometimes it feels like he just doesn't care about that. In the name of lessons I keep getting these trials. 

I'm sure so many people pray to have the inconsequential stress that I have. But it is still stress, and it is still painful, and my body and my trauma are dictating my response without my permission and that SUCKS. 

SO fun. so fun. 

Well see you again in 10 years. Hopefully I'll have figured it out by then. 

It will all work out obviously. It always does. 

It's usually pretty easy to rant...

But I've never had more to talk about than right now. Trying to figure out wedding, plus housing, plus bachelorette parties, plus work, plus funeral, and PLUS PLUS PLUS the woman who is altering my dress... I am worn out. I am running on empty. And I just.... don't know where to start, and I know I wont be able to sleep. Can I do it all? Will it all work out? welp. No matter. It will happen.

Sometimes I forget

It's easy to live so much in the world I live in right now, where everything is wedding planning and bliss, and work, and money and bills, and schedules, and my apartment.... that I forget where I was a year ago... or two years ago, or even worse three. I forget how far I've been able to come. Thanks to my Heavenly Father, my life is finally where I previously dreamed it would be as I lay crying on the floor just wishing for the ability to do the things I take for granted now and almost feel entitled to. Here are a few of those things. 1. I am loved, and I love. I have Wesley, someone who is always there for me, someone who loves and cares for my health and safety above all other people. Who is willing to sacrifice so very much for me. In my life before I didn't get a passing glance from nearly anyone, let alone amazing men like my darling now. I felt alone, and sought the approval of others. I made sure that the things I did would receive praise from my peers and teachers. I needed to feel like someone cared. Now I expect it. I get UPSET if I don't have it.. whereas before even hints that someone was remotely grateful I was alive were rays of sunshine that I held dear and precious 2. I live where I feel at home. I love the harmons. I love my family. But for some reason wherever I went, wherever I lived felt like somewhere I was passing through. Like a hotel with a lot of pretty people, or in the case of my family... a lot of noisy neighbors. Now I feel settled. I wont be in this exact apartment for long, but Wesley is staying. Wherever he is, is now home. I am so grateful for that kind of stability. I was getting seasick with all the waves, and movement, and shifting and being uncomfortable... but now... its even getting hard to force myself to talk to people that aren't him... or go to activities that he's not involved in. He is my ultimate comfort zone. He is how having a family should feel. I take that for granted every day. I have something so lovely in my life. So very pure. 3. I no longer feel chained to my past, others disabilities and problems, or my family drama. It's like I am clean. Its like I am free. I have no guilt, no pain, no hatred. I do not feel the need to apologize for them, or overcompensate for them. My past has made me grow, but the chains are broken.. and I hadn't realized it till now. I can trust because of Wesley. I can feel because of Wesley. I can move on.. because of Christ. They are loved by me, but I don't feel bad to keep a safe distance. I don't have to look at the train wreck. I can create my own! ( hahahha luckily... there are no trains to wreck.yet.) 4. I am financially independent. Self explanatory. I can do this. (once again... with Wesley's help..weird. It just sounds like he's my night in shining armor. I guess I really waassss a damsel in distress...sooo...) 5. I feel as if I can choose the future that is ahead of me, free of insult, or judgement by a party that doesn't have my best interests in mind. And lastly.... When I was in Young Womens, and they would give lessons on the family... I used to cry, because I just couldn't fix mine, no matter how much I tried and tried. We were a wreck. We really were. Our home was such an awful terrible place, and the leaders would always comfort me by saying " One day you'll have your own family, one day you can be whoever you want to be. Someday you will have a husband and children of your own and you can choose how you will live" I am here. And I am taking for granted the path it took to get here. The lessons I've cried through, the nights I've wanted nothing more than a friend and had no one, the pain I suffered, and agony of heart I endured watching my family members struggle down paths of unhappiness... they led to this place. This perfect, and beautiful place, where even my memories are bright, and my tomorrow looks like the sun. And now I'm not saying this is all because of Wesley, because it took a lot of forgiveness, patience and repentance, and reliance on my savior... and most of all it took a lot of time. But because of him, and because of Christ... I feel whole. and Perfect. And beautiful, and wanted, and loved, and cared for, and most of all I feel safe. and they have everything to do with THAT. I am grateful for every hug, and kiss, and smile, and sunrise. I am grateful for my past, and my future, and I am grateful. SO GRATEFUL. for my Wesley. Life would literally be perfect if I was involved in theater some way. -Rylea... soon to be Farrens

How is it

How is it that when I think I'm doing so good, and that I'm on the right path, I can concurrently feel like I am so far from my goal, and that I'll never get to where I want to be. I don't know where I want to be. Well I know what I want to be. I sort of need to reanalyze some things. Life is so overwhelming. I can for long periods of time block out the crazy and live solely in the moment as if my past doesn't haunt me, and if my future isn't unknown... but it always comes back to this gigantic IF. What if I will be affected by my actions for the rest of my life... because I will. And what if my actions are wrong? What if I'm trying to listen so hard that I stop hearing? What if my whole life is just as complex as i feel like it is. Will I ever be able to start again? Life is nothing like a video game, where you only get so far and then you get sent back to the beginning to try again. Each day is a new level, but the same game, and if we die, the game is over. I have no superpowers, and I feel so ALONE. I try to stay unaffected by my roommates and their boyfriends but they cannot relate to me at all. Their boyfriends change their perspective. Right now, they don't have an IF on the marriage box of their life's checklist like I do. Right now, they have someone who loves them for who they are and WANTS to spend eternity with them. A lot of the time I don't feel like I deserve that. I feel like I am stuck in an everlasting loneliness and satan just keeps whispering that if not now then never. I'M EIGHTEEN FOR GOODNESS SAKE... but I've never had a boyfriend and if someone gets too close I push them away. I really just want to talk to someone about all of this, but I'm too close to the picture. I can't explain how everything ties together. I can't just tell people that the Harmons are tied to my Dad who's tied to my mom who's tied to Makenna who's tied to Eramiah who's tied to my Brother who's tied to Newton which is tied to my past which is tied to Jake who is tied to a whole bunch of unknown feelings, and things I wish I had the guts to say. I just want to fix them. To let them know what I know. To make them feel like I feel when I hear the truth. I want to help them, to get them help. I want to repay them, all of them. Mostly the Harmons and the Hinrichsens and the Wyatts and everyone in the ward. I feel like I cant do any of these things. I can't fix. I can't help. I can't repay. I can't heal, and I feel like I never will heal until I can do all of these things. I can't make promises to Heavenly Father like this! I am unworthy of his kindness, of his forgiveness! He paid for our sins, and I give him so much to suffer for. He understands me completely and I take Him for granted.... There is just so much that I can't do. How is it that I can be so blessed... and yet so scared.

The date.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! did my dreams just come true... YES. YES THEY DID. thanks to you Tanner. Thanks to you.

I owe Iowa.

I owe Iowa. Without my yearly adventure to this wonderful state hope in friendships, families and the bonds between people would be lost completely. Every connection I make here is real and wild, and truly beautiful. It teaches me that friendships can be strong and based on mutual appreciation instead of need. It shows me that sometimes people can be there for you even if there is nothing in it for them. I am addicted to the nostalgic green beauty that feeds into my life every second I am outside on a dirt road, by a field, or near something ALIVE which is everywhere because life is the true essense of this place... Though where I am, the business is dying and sadly it seems so is the populace, my faith in this town, in this PEOPLE is not lost. Nay, it is growing every second someone nearly forgotton remembers my name, something anecdotal I did as a small child, or smiles and waves at me from a the sidewalk as I drive by in a car. As my old haunts start to crumble, namely the playground I basically lived on, the coffee-shop where I created my favorite drink -- the strawberry coconut italian soda-- and the home where I learned to create, to walk, to jump, and to play, instead of dying with them, my memories of them become vivid and alive, and my connections grow stronger. I recently went to the bridge where I had my first kiss, and though the awkward unenjoyable passion had completely faded, the magic of being inside one of my memories was a feeling comparable to knowing the answer to an obscure board game question. It was something so personal, and unexplainable and empowering... like exploring myself. Understanding a parts of me that were unexplainable and new before.As I explore my memories one by one, as I reconnect to the old and aged places of my early youth an obscure feeling of pressure arises in my chest, along with enough joy to fill my entire being to my fingertips. I need Iowa. I need to know that I'm loved, and beautiful and wanted, and worthy of relationships with others. No one needs to understand why but me. I've grown up Ty. If you don't think so, that is no one's problem but yours. I know myself better now, I know what I want more than anything, and in a month and a half, I will be able to make those decisions for myself. I'm ready for life. I'm ready to be happy. I owe you Iowa.

" I don't think we're going to come"

Happy Graduation.