Did it all work out? You have been waiting almost 10 years to find out I guess, so I should let you know that it did. And it always does. And you should stress less, and worry less, and CHILL OUT. But you dont know how so that's fun. Hence, why I'm here typing this onto my old childhood blog, which I'm sure I would cringe to NO END to read, but maybe I'll chance it sometime.
Here I am back because I'm stressed, and my typical coping mechanisms are a little complicated. I used to exercise, and eat. Welllll 3 kids later and exercise is still great, but I'm at the least in shape I've ever been (though funnily enough, the same weight. Fun). So exercise just adds stress. At least the thought of it does. In Provo I used to be able to go for free, with people that were 0 judgement. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I want to go exercise where no one knows me. Because I am ashamed of how bad I've gotten. Who knows if I've actually gotten bad. My brain tells me I have. That's kind of what happens when you dont do something for a year and a half (THANK YOU PAROSMIA. BIG THUMBS DOWN. WORST EVER) and yeah, that dysgeusia/parosmia issue is why eating no longer fills the void, though it wasn't healthy to begin with anyway.
SOOOooooooo I've just been struggling. Quietly, because why in the world would I bother other people with this? Because people around me honestly really feel like emotions are a no go. The few people I've talked to seemed like I was a wet paper towel on the floor, ew, I dont know what to do with this. BUT honestly that could be a perception issue on my part (yay trauma, making me hypersensitive to every mood of every person around me at all times). And Wesley knows all about it, but honestly the man has very little skill with validation, and how he does therapy for a living I sometimes have no idea. I'm sure he's very skilled. But talking to him about problems is as helpful as well, talking to a brick wall... or a blog from my childhood. Same difference. No one talks back.
It is all just feeling like too much. The no friends thing. The PTO thing ( ugh. so dumb). Summer coming up, budgeting in the time of ridiculous inflation. Trying to feed everyone and do children's sports and give them everything they need, while just kind of ignoring myself. I dont have time to do the things that I love, mainly theater, but that's a them problem- way to do shows the week of Iona Days/ Katies wedding. Rude. Also my Iona Days people are really REALLY not kicking it into gear. But I'm trying to be cool and not stress. It's not working out. I really wish I could just turn that off. I'm fine once I vent that, but keri is so condescending and I never see heather, and wesley doesn't really care, and Kristen is just in a different phase of life and we both have children's sports so that sucks, and Megan is MIA and who the heck knows what happened with that. Just another check on the list of people who totally abandoned me. Seems to be the theme. Speaking of which, why am I so cordial with all these people who are totally awful to me? Oh right. Cause I dont have anyone else to lean on. thanks fam. Love that for me.
Im so excited that my kids get to have people to lean on when they grow up. but DAMN. Why couldn't I have had that?! It just feels like everyone around me has this great support system, or even just A support system, and I'm over here winging it by myself just struggling all alone.
Lean on Jesus, yeah I know blah blah blah, people have it worse than me, of COURSE they do. I'm aware that life could suck a lot worse than this, because, well, it did for many years. I should just be happy
I am.
I'm stressed though too
It seems reasonable to be that.
But I dont' want to be.
But what am I going to do about it?
Who the hell knows. Probably just continue to complain about it on the internet because real life is so lonely sometimes. And I will never EVER be the mom who leans on her children for support. That's not their job. Even though they are honestly my best friends, the boundaries have to be there because I won't allow what happened to me to happen to them... but then I get so stressed about being the perfect mom. I worry. Too much of this, too little of that, everything is slipping, where the heck are the only socks bennett will wear to soccer, never doing sports again
JUST SHUT UP BRAIN. I just want some peace and quiet and friends and help and someone to talk to who actually cares when I'm struggling.
Back to square one. Nothing I can do to remedy that. Just gotta wait for God to decide that it's my time to have people. To not have to muscle through by my lonesome. But sometimes it feels like he just doesn't care about that. In the name of lessons I keep getting these trials.
I'm sure so many people pray to have the inconsequential stress that I have. But it is still stress, and it is still painful, and my body and my trauma are dictating my response without my permission and that SUCKS.
SO fun. so fun.
Well see you again in 10 years. Hopefully I'll have figured it out by then.
It will all work out obviously. It always does.
