It's usually pretty easy to rant...

But I've never had more to talk about than right now. Trying to figure out wedding, plus housing, plus bachelorette parties, plus work, plus funeral, and PLUS PLUS PLUS the woman who is altering my dress... I am worn out. I am running on empty. And I just.... don't know where to start, and I know I wont be able to sleep. Can I do it all? Will it all work out? welp. No matter. It will happen.

Sometimes I forget

It's easy to live so much in the world I live in right now, where everything is wedding planning and bliss, and work, and money and bills, and schedules, and my apartment.... that I forget where I was a year ago... or two years ago, or even worse three. I forget how far I've been able to come. Thanks to my Heavenly Father, my life is finally where I previously dreamed it would be as I lay crying on the floor just wishing for the ability to do the things I take for granted now and almost feel entitled to. Here are a few of those things. 1. I am loved, and I love. I have Wesley, someone who is always there for me, someone who loves and cares for my health and safety above all other people. Who is willing to sacrifice so very much for me. In my life before I didn't get a passing glance from nearly anyone, let alone amazing men like my darling now. I felt alone, and sought the approval of others. I made sure that the things I did would receive praise from my peers and teachers. I needed to feel like someone cared. Now I expect it. I get UPSET if I don't have it.. whereas before even hints that someone was remotely grateful I was alive were rays of sunshine that I held dear and precious 2. I live where I feel at home. I love the harmons. I love my family. But for some reason wherever I went, wherever I lived felt like somewhere I was passing through. Like a hotel with a lot of pretty people, or in the case of my family... a lot of noisy neighbors. Now I feel settled. I wont be in this exact apartment for long, but Wesley is staying. Wherever he is, is now home. I am so grateful for that kind of stability. I was getting seasick with all the waves, and movement, and shifting and being uncomfortable... but now... its even getting hard to force myself to talk to people that aren't him... or go to activities that he's not involved in. He is my ultimate comfort zone. He is how having a family should feel. I take that for granted every day. I have something so lovely in my life. So very pure. 3. I no longer feel chained to my past, others disabilities and problems, or my family drama. It's like I am clean. Its like I am free. I have no guilt, no pain, no hatred. I do not feel the need to apologize for them, or overcompensate for them. My past has made me grow, but the chains are broken.. and I hadn't realized it till now. I can trust because of Wesley. I can feel because of Wesley. I can move on.. because of Christ. They are loved by me, but I don't feel bad to keep a safe distance. I don't have to look at the train wreck. I can create my own! ( hahahha luckily... there are no trains to wreck.yet.) 4. I am financially independent. Self explanatory. I can do this. (once again... with Wesley's help..weird. It just sounds like he's my night in shining armor. I guess I really waassss a damsel in distress...sooo...) 5. I feel as if I can choose the future that is ahead of me, free of insult, or judgement by a party that doesn't have my best interests in mind. And lastly.... When I was in Young Womens, and they would give lessons on the family... I used to cry, because I just couldn't fix mine, no matter how much I tried and tried. We were a wreck. We really were. Our home was such an awful terrible place, and the leaders would always comfort me by saying " One day you'll have your own family, one day you can be whoever you want to be. Someday you will have a husband and children of your own and you can choose how you will live" I am here. And I am taking for granted the path it took to get here. The lessons I've cried through, the nights I've wanted nothing more than a friend and had no one, the pain I suffered, and agony of heart I endured watching my family members struggle down paths of unhappiness... they led to this place. This perfect, and beautiful place, where even my memories are bright, and my tomorrow looks like the sun. And now I'm not saying this is all because of Wesley, because it took a lot of forgiveness, patience and repentance, and reliance on my savior... and most of all it took a lot of time. But because of him, and because of Christ... I feel whole. and Perfect. And beautiful, and wanted, and loved, and cared for, and most of all I feel safe. and they have everything to do with THAT. I am grateful for every hug, and kiss, and smile, and sunrise. I am grateful for my past, and my future, and I am grateful. SO GRATEFUL. for my Wesley. Life would literally be perfect if I was involved in theater some way. -Rylea... soon to be Farrens